


Kathang Isip

by sourpatchedkid



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, D.O - Freeform, ENJOY MWA, EXO - Freeform, Filipino, Finished, Im tired, Kai - Freeform, KaiSoo - Freeform, Kyungsoo - Freeform, M/M, Real Life, SIS FINALLY, Sad, Tagalog, basta sad aq, di ko na alam sis, its 3am, jongin - Freeform, un-beta-ed
Language: Filipino
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-01
Updated: 2019-01-13
Packaged: 2019-10-02 07:15:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 29,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17259896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sourpatchedkid/pseuds/sourpatchedkid
Summary: Di ba nga ito ang 'yong gusto? O, ito'y lilisan na ako.—In where Kyungsoo decides to leave and Jongin wants him to come back.





	1. An Extended Leave

Kyungsoo should be used to it.

Seven years of being an idol and a couple of years as an actor should have trained him to ignore pairs of eyes staring at him but still, he shifts uncomfortably in his seat as he avoids his friends slash housemates slash co-workers’ gaze at him. The conference room suddenly feels too small for fifteen people when it’s made to fit twenty five. Kyungsoo wants an out as he starts tapping on the table, leg bouncing from one leg to another. He wants to scream out of discomfort or maybe cry at how small the place has become—Kyungsoo has always been a claustrophobic—but instead Kyungsoo fixes his gaze on the projector at the front of the room. On the screen is a strategic plan by their marketing department—one that really doesn’t need approving by the boys but still they’re quiet, paying attention. Albeit not at the presentation but at Kyungsoo.

**JANUARY TO MARCH: THE HOW’S OF EXO**

He thinks its funny that the marketing department had to come up with a cheesy title. It wasn’t like they had a say in whatever the discussion was. The meeting was to let them know of point A to point C before the company lets them off for a weeklong break for the holidays. For Kyungsoo, it’s a twenty day break. A week from being EXO. Another week from being an actor. And another week he filed for the day before just to breathe. He hasn’t told his bandmates yet and Kyungsoo isn’t one discuss personal thoughts face to face. He’s fonder of documents turned into pdfs that he sends to his entire group. His gut tells him that he has to discuss the extended vacation over dinner or before they fall asleep. After all, he was part of the vocal line and if they have to work a week without him, there has to be an adjustment period before they face the public.

A familiar face flashes on the screen paired with a semi-familiar girl from a different company. All the boys shift in their seats, glancing at Kyungsoo every now and then but Kyungsoo hasn’t moved in the last three minutes since Jongin’s smiling face was plastered on the screen. On the slide says that on the first of January, his relationship with Jennie Kim—a rookie from another company—is to be revealed to the public. Usually, relationships among the boys stirred quite a discussion among them but this time, everyone was quiet. Silence filling the entire room and only the clicking of the mouse occasionally filled the gap of quiet.

“We just need more noise before Xiumin announces his enlistment.” The head explains, gesturing to the eldest of the bunch who appears to be the only one paying attention to the presentation. The required military enlistment is a new thing in the Philippines and the new administration requires the age of 30 as the limit of putting of one’s enlistment. The eldest of the crew, Minseok, turns thirty in March.

“Kuya has to graduate first before his enlistment.” Junmyeon, the leader, speaks up in attempt to  postpone the revelation of Jongin’s relationship until further discussion within their group. “That should be enough noise.”

“He graduates in June. There has to be something for the first quarter. Plus, we talked to Jennie’s company and Jongin and they’re both fine with it.” The head looks at Jongin for help. An argument with Junmyeon is a dead-end. The leader always seems to win and it doesn’t end well for the employees of their company.

“You gave a go signal?” Junmyeon turns his head to the blonde boy beside him. “Hindi mo man lang sinasabi samin?”

“Tinanong lang naman nila ako kung okay sabihin, sabi ko oo. Hindi ko naman alam na next week na.” The younger boy says in defence.

“It’s like your ex-girlfriend all over again. You make a decision without telling me and then fucking cry when you get into fucking—“

“Kuya Jun.” Their baby, Sehun, reaches for the older’s wrist to give it a squeeze. “It is what it is. Tapusin na natin ‘tong meeting kasi nagugutom na ako.”

Junmyeon glares at Sehun who doesn’t seem fazed even a little bit. He sighs, shaking his head at Jongin, and moves closer to Sehun. The presentation ends quickly with the department discussing new endorsements, out of town schedules, out of the country schedules, Minseok’s enlistment, and so and so forth. They thank the boys for their time before adjourning the meeting.

“Kuya, Hawaii kaya?” Sehun drapes his arm over Kyungsoo as all the boys walk back to the parking lot and to their cars. “We didn’t get to roam around nung andun tayo last month.”

“Ayoko sa beach.” Kyungsoo slips an arm around his waist. “Gusto ko ng malamig per may scenery.”

“Gusto mo ng malamig?” Baekhyun jabs lightly at the small of his back. “Sa ref ka na lang pumunta. Ano ba ‘yan eh. Sabi ko sasama ako pag sa Hawaii.”

“Edi mag bakasyon ka din.”

“Sa May pa kami nila Chanyeol.” Baekhyun groans. “Pag uwi natin, hanap na tayo ng place. Start na ng vacation mo bukas tapos bulok ka nanaman sa bahay.”

“Mag book ka na para mahatid kita bago ako umuwi.” Chanyeol chimes in. “Maganda daw sa Canada. Niagara falls. Sobrang lamig para pumutok ‘yang labi mo.”

Kyungsoo hums in consideration. The boys spend their ride to the dorm in silence, occasionally giving Kyungsoo a suggestion to which he would only hum as an answer. It was his first vacation in seven years and he didn’t know what to do or where to go or how to spend it. What he knows is that he wants to get away. The confines of their dorm was slowly suffocating him and every room makes him want to leave and never come back. Each room had a memory linked to something he doesn’t even want to remember. When they reach their dorm, Sehun is quick to whip out his laptop and show Kyungsoo the places they talked about in the car. Kyungsoo tries to listen but he can’t fully focus when Jongin is giggling in his room, legs kicking up in the air, and smiling like a dumb fool with the door wide open. It was as if Junmyeon could read his mind even though their leader was in the living room, at least meters away from said room, because when the laughter gets louder, he marches in the room and slams the door to Jongin’s surprise.

“Okay ka lang?” Junmyeon asks, offering a smile. “Di marunong mag sara ng pinto eh.”

Kyungsoo plays it off lightly.

“Kuya, kuha ka beer. Bunso, inom ka?” Kyungsoo doesn’t wait for Sehun and Junmyeon’s answer because he’s pointing at the fridge as if to say _quick, I need it now._ “Tetext ko sila Chanyeol na umakyat. Inom tayo.”

Jongdae enters the living room, phone in hand, and chips in another.

“Ikaw? Nagyayaya uminom?” Jongdae drags the chair next to Sehun. He glances quickly at the laptop screen before taking a handful of chips to feed himself. “Naliligo pa si kuya Minseok. Magaaral daw siya after pero papupuntahin ko muna dito.”

“I won’t see you for three weeks. Gusto ko ng bonding.” Kyungsoo laughs, reaching for a beer can that Junmyeon placed in front of him.

“Two weeks.” Sehun corrects him.

“Three. Nag file ako ng leave kahapon for another week.”

The room pauses and Kyungsoo feels his heart break. His friends, no, his brothers have this effect on him. If there was anything that would bother them even in the slightest, Kyungsoo would do anything to make things better. It felt like the filed leave meant something more than what it is because before he knew it Chanyeol and Baekhyun barges in their unit and starts hovering over him, grabbing his face, his hands, and then squeezing him in a tight hug. Sometimes Kyungsoo thinks of how lucky they both are with each other. They’ve been at this idol life for seven years and the two have been dating for five. At first, he thought it was luck but time passed and he saw the hard work and dedication that the two poured into their relationship. _Nothing worth having comes off as easy,_ a drunk Baekhyun once said. _In this line of job, this is basically suicide but you gotta do what you gotta do,_ a very sober Chanyeol added.

“Ano bang problema ninyo?” Kyungsoo groans, pushing off Baekhyun off his lap and throwing Chanyeol’s hand away from his face. “Lumayo ‘yung hindi single sakin.”

“Para kang si Jongin. Hindi ka nagsasabi sakin.” Junmyeon says but his tone is softer, more understanding. “Para saan naman ang extended na linggo?”

Kyungsoo pops his beer can open and takes a gulp.

“Para sa akin.”

Jongdae chuckles, handing him his bag of chips.

“Galit ka pa ba?” He asks when Kyungsoo takes it.

“Di naman ako galit sainyo.”

But the boys know better than to believe Kyungsoo. He was the busiest during the entire year. He was never home for more than two days a week and even when he was, he was rehearsing or reading or catching up on his much needed sleep. They haven’t seen Kyungsoo until they started promoting Don’t Mess Up My Tempo but even then he had to leave earlier than the others to attend promotions, photo shoots, and other prior commitments that his own team assigned him to. The boys were proud of him, of course. They beamed with proudness when they attended his premiere. They cheered whenever they saw him on TV. Life was going well for Kyungsoo and they couldn’t be any happier for him but life was moving on inside the dorm as well. For one, Jongin started seeing other people.

Kyungsoo’s relationship with Jongin was more than complicated. They were friends. Close friends. Best friends. Super mega best friends. They were _KyungsooandJongin_. Never just Kyungsoo _and_ Jongin. One was always with the other. They were joined at the hip, peppering each other’s faces with kisses, squeezing each other’s hands tightly under the table, snuggling on the couch during movie nights, and going on _KyungsooandJongin_ dates on Saturdays by hook or by crook. They were _KyungsooandJongin_ until they weren’t. He can’t quite pinpoint when it started changing but one day the texts became less frequent and the calls became non-existent but they both acted okay around the others, still joking around, and sometimes even draping their arms around each other. But everyone knew that something changed but no one dared to bring it up because they were _KyungsooandJongin._ They fought like crazy—slamming of doors, walking out in the middle of the night, and smashing the shower heater and head—but they always, _always_ made up. There were always tears and whispers of _I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to_ and the rest of the boys just have to suffer a week’s worth of cold showers until one of them buys a new heater. Most of the time, it was Kyungsoo.

“Sasabihin naman talaga naming sayo eh.” Minseok emerges from the washroom, still drying his hair with a towel. “But Jongin begged us to give him more time kasi siya na daw. He was going to introduce Jennie to you and all would be well.”

Kyungsoo can imagine how it went—Jongin begging the older ones to keep their mouths shut around him until he got around to telling him—but he never expected to see her and Jongin in _their_ room, playing _their_ game, in _their_ bed. In Jongin’s defence, it was _his_ room (and Minseok’s), _his_ game, and _his_ bed.

“It was an unremarkable introduction.” Kyungsoo chuckles. “Kuya Kyungsoo na ‘ko sakanya, apparently.”

“Galit ka pa eh.” Jongdae sighs, pouting at Kyungsoo. “Sorry na. Sasabihin naman talaga sa’yo. Promise. Pero pinag promise din kasi kami nung isa na—“

“Alam ko naman.” He finishes his can and pops open another one. “Alam ko na may girlfriend siya. Nahuli ko ‘yan may katext, akala ata tulog na ‘ko. Baby daw. Alam ko naman.”

“Kyung—“

“Alam ko naman, iniintay ko lang na may mag sabi sa inyo.”

The room falls silently and Kyungsoo feels a rush of victory for finally telling them the truth. He knew that his brothers felt bad for keeping Jongin’s new relationship a secret but he also knew how promises worked inside their dorm and he had no complains about how it all played out for him.

“Sabi naming kay Jongin, sabihin na sa’yo bago ka mag Swing Kids.” Baekhyun is the one who breaks the silence. He’s playing with Chanyeol’s fingers on his laps, eyes fixed on the floor, voice dropping a pitch. “Kaso hindi rin tayo nagkikita nun.”

“Pero kay kuya Yixing, nasabi ninyo agad.” Kyungsoo teases but there’s a hint of sarcasm there which makes Baekhyun sigh. “Si kuya nasa China. Minsan nasa US. Minsan nasa Korea. Ni-hindi nga natin mahagilap ‘yun minsan pero si kuya pa ang…” He drifts off, smiling to himself bitterly at the memory of Yixing casually talking about Jennie and Jongin when he no one in the dorm has confirmed it to him yet.

“Sorry na kuya.” Sehun slouches on his seat, making himself smaller, and nuzzling his head on the crook of Kyungsoo’s neck. He knows that he’s the only one who can win Kyungsoo over at times like this and he’s fully taking advantage of it. “Ako, akala ko kasi in passing lang si Jennie. Malay ko bang tatagal. Ayoko naman pangunahan si Jongin kasi kapatid ko rin ‘yun pero kuya, we didn’t mean to hide it from you. Not at all.”

“I know.” Kyungsoo relaxes and presses a kiss on Sehun’s head.

 _A win,_ Sehun thinks.

“Sorry, kuya.”

“Tama na ‘yan.” He smiles, pushing off Sehun. “Gusto ko mag Canada. Toronto muna for a week tapos Hawaii for the second week tapos Korea for the third. Book mo ‘ko.”

“Libre ko na.” Junmyeon hands his card to Sehun before Kyungsoo can protest. “Pati hotel.”

“Anong kadayaan naman ‘to?!” Baekhyun huffs. “Nag Korea kami ni Chanyeol last month tapos hindi libre.”

“Bakit? Broken hearted ka ba?” Junmyeon asks, making a face, and then laughing when Baekhyun raises both of his hands in defeat. “Libre ko kayo ni Chanyeol ng breakfast pag hinatid natin si Kyungsoo bukas.”

“Ayoko na sa Jollibee ha.” Chanyeol jokes. “Pagkahatid ba sa airport, hahatid ko na din kayo sa mga bahay nyo?”

“Pahatid ako sa school.” Minseok says, scrolling on his phone, and probably looking at his schedule. “May huling meeting pa ‘ko.”

“Sama ako kay kuya Minseok kasi madaming pagkain sa school niya.” Jongdae pokes the eldest’s cheek. “Kuya, libre ha.”

“Ako, tutulog muna ‘ko sainyo tapos susunduin daw ako nila daddy kinabukasan para mas malapit.” Sehun continues to type on his laptop, glancing at Junmyeon’s card number every now and then. “Kuya Baek, san ka?”

“Sama ako paghatid kay Kyungsoo tsaka sa libre ni kuya Jun pero babalik ako dito kasi may padala daw na cassava ‘yung mama ni Jongin so sakanila na lang ako sasabay pauwi.”

As if on cue, a door swings open revealing a very happy Jongin, clutching his phone to his chest. He pauses in his tracks as if to assess the situation _because why was everyone hanging out without him?_ But the thought is immediately erased when Kyungsoo makes a noise by standing up, his chair being dragged on the floor, and putting everyone’s attention on him.

“Antok na pala ‘ko.” He says, squeezing his now empty cans of beers. “Sa baba muna ‘ko tutulog.” He looks at Baekhyun, Chanyeol, and Jongdae for a response but the three just nods as if they’ve been talking about it already.

The rest of the boys keep up with the act, yawning, and getting up from their seats.

“Good night, guys. See you tomorrow.” Kyungsoo throws his trash in the bin and quickly gives Sehun a back hug.

“Kuya, alas otso ng umaga ‘yung flight mo so—“

“So, aalis tayo ng 5:30.” Chanyeol finishes Sehun off. He points to Junmyeon, Minseok, Jongdae, and Sehun. “5:30. Ang late, hindi ililibre.”

“Saan may libre?” Jongin asks, reaching for the nearly empty pack of chips on the table. “Sama ‘ko.”

“Hahatid namin si Kyungsoo sa airport.” Junmyeon explains, cleaning up his own mess and throwing it in the bin as well.

“Bukas ka na aalis?” Jongin turns to Kyungsoo. “Babalik ka bago birthday mo di ba?”

“Ewan ‘ko. Si Sehun nag book eh. Kailan ba ‘ko uuwi, bunso?”

“Sa 20 pa.” Sehun shows him his laptop screen and Kyungsoo nods. He mumbles a thank you to the younger one and mentally takes note of the time and dates that he has to tell his parents later. “20 ng hapon.”

“Akala ko kakain tayong lahat sa birthday natin?” Jongin looks confused, eyes darting from one member to another.

“Pwede naman kayong kumain sa birthday mo. Nasa Korea ata ako nun eh.”

“Di ba two weeks lang break mo?”

“Three.”

“Bakit three—bakit—“

“Jongin, bakasyon nya ‘yon. Wag ka nagengealam.” Junmyeon tugs on his arms and then waves at the downstairs tenants. “Guys, matulog na kayo at ikaw, Kyungsoo, mag empake ka muna bago ka bumaba. Iwanan nyo na lang bukas yung pinto nyo para makasunod ‘to. 5:30 ha. Ayoko ng late. Pag nasayang gising ko sa inyo, patay kayo sakin.”

“Sungit naman nito.” Minseok, the _actual eldest_ , jokes. “Heartbroken ka din?”

“Sinong heartbroken?” Jongin asks.

The dumb question is everyone’s cue to leave. Chanyeol and Baekhyun hands Kyungsoo a key before leaving. Jongdae follows shortly after. Minseok brings Kyungsoo to his and Junmyeon’s room to help him pack but also because Jongin seemed like he wanted to trail behind him until Junmyeon asked him to clean up. Kyungsoo and Junmyeon’s room is squeaky clean which surprises Minseok because this is Junmyeon we’re talking about. At least half of the room should be dirty with piled clothes on the floor.

“I cleaned it yesterday before work.” Kyungsoo says as if he read Minseok’s mind. Kyungsoo has a thing for household chores whenever something was bothering him. It came in handy for the most part especially when he decides to clean everything and doesn’t ask for help but this particular chore seemed like something he shouldn’t have done alone.

“Alam mo naman na pwede mong kwentuhan si kuya di ba?” Minseok says, leaning on the door. “You don’t have to act all okay around us. Alam nating foul ‘yung kay Jong—“

“Kuya, okay lang ‘yon. Alangan pag bawalan natin siyang magkagirlfriend dahil lang minsan naglalandin kami. Wala namang kami. So—“

“Seven years na kayong naglalandian, Kyungja.” Minseok rolls his eyes. “I think that counts as something.”

Kyungsoo plops on his bed and looks at Minseok with a sad smile on his lips.

“It obviously didn’t count as anything to him.”

  
“Of course it did. This is Jongin we’re talking about. Minsan all feelings, no brain. You…” He trailed off, looking at his younger brother’s face. Kyungsoo has worked incredibly hard the entire year, sometimes going through a week with little to no sleep but he was always game to join night outs or late night talks among the members, and Minseok just wants him to be happy. It’s what his little Kyungsoo deserves. “You mean the world to Jongin, you know that.”

“Kuya, tama na. Gusto ko na mag empake.”

“I was going to tell you when you were drunk after the Swing Kids premiere. Sabi ko bahala na kung maalala mo man o hindi but I needed to tell you. Kaya lang Jongin…”

“I know.”

“I don’t mean to blame the kid. In the last seven years, I can’t count how many times he asked me if you like him. Sabi ko nga kasal na lang ang kulang. Mas malala pa kayo kina Chanyeol and those two are official. He needs things to be said and explained to his face.”

Kyungsoo shakes his head.

“Kuya, I need to pack. You need to study. Plus, we both need to wake up early. Kuya Jun’s coming in. Naririnig ko na paa niya.”

But when Minseok opens the door, Jongin is standing outside, his hand reaching for the door knob.

“Mag empake na daw siya tapos matutulog na. Bukas mo na lang kausapin. Text mo.” Minseok tells him, closing the door behind him quickly before Jongin can take a glance inside. He nods obediently and watches as his eldest brother goes in his room. Jongin opens the door and catches Kyungsoo’s face planted on the bed. No signs of packing is happening and he can’t quite figure out if Kyungsoo’s sleeping, crying, or dead.

“Dito ka matutulog?” He tries and asks, leaving the question hanging in the air. There was no answer. “Kyungja, tulungan na kita mag pack.” _Silence._ “Sabi ko kay Sehun, sama ako sa Canada mo. Sabi niya tanungin daw kita bago siya mag book.”

That gets Kyungsoo’s attention. He sits back up quick, making himself dizzy in the process. He runs his hand through his hair and groans in frustration. In the last week since Yixing slipped out the _big_ secret, he successfully avoided every single encounter with Jongin but tonight seems like he’s fallen in a trap. Jongin is fidgeting with them hem of his shirt, bouncing on the heels of his feet, constantly looking at Kyungsoo and then at the empty luggage sitting next to his bed.

“Me time ‘yon. Wag kang sumama.” Kyungsoo says, smiling even so he could get him off his case faster.

“Early celebration ng birthday natin. Sige na. Gusto ko din mag Niagara.” Jongin walks closer and then sits on the floor, his legs crossed and his hands placed on his lap. “Parang ang weird na hindi tayo magcelebrate ng birthday na magkasama.”

Kyungsoo wants to tell him that he has to get used to the weird because Kyungsoo is getting used to it as well and sure, changes can hurt but it will only hurt for a little. He wants to tell him that this is the new normal—separate birthdays. He wants to say that _good for you that you have somebody to spend your birthday with_ while he has to spend his alone. There’s a pleading look on Jongin’s face, the same look he gives Kyungsoo when Kyungsoo threatens to leave or break off whatever they have. It’s the same look he gave him when he told him about Jennie. He was pleading for understanding… something that Kyungsoo was always so ready to give him.

“I’m sure the boys have something in store for you.” He manages to croak out. “Or Jennie din. Di ba same week din birthday niya.”

Jongin nods.

“Pero yung birthday _natin._ ”

Kyungsoo shakes his head, scooting farther in his bed and away from Jongin.

“Hindi nga tayo sabay ng birthday eh.” _Pause._ “Ikaw lang naman nagpauso na sabay tayo ng celebration hanggang sa akala ng lahat sabay tayo ng birthday. Eh gusto ko na ng ibang birthday.”

“Ayaw mo na sakin?” The question is innocent and even the look on Jongin’s face only screams defeat. Kyungsoo wants to reach for his pillow to whack the younger in the face. “Sabi mo okay lang na sabay tayo ng birthday.”

“Ang daya mo naman eh.” Kyungsoo’s voice cracks at the end but he plays it off with a cough. “Minsan lang naman ako mag bakasyon. First time in seven years. Gusto ko lang sulitin. Pa-birthday gift nyo na sakin ang katahimikan.” He jokes but Jongin doesn’t laugh.

“Katahimikan?”

“Lagi kaya tayong magkakasama—“

“Hindi ka kaya namin kasama buong taon tapos ngayon aalis ka pa sa importanteng araw natin. Di ba sabi natin kahit gaano tayo ka-busy, we’re always going to be there for the special moments? Birthday natin. Birthday ng ibang kuya. Birthday ni Sehun.”

Kyungsoo pretends the statement doesn’t break his heart. He pretends that the look on Jongin’s face doesn’t kill him.

“I just need a break. I’ve been working for seven years, Jongin. You’ve had your breaks. I haven’t.”

“You need a break from me.” Jongin concludes and Kyungsoo wants to say something funny to end the conversation but his emotions get the best of him.

“Why can’t I have a break from you when you’re the one who asked for it?” jumps out before he could stop it.

“Ako?” Jongin points to himself, appalled. “I haven’t seen you all year so bakit ako mag a-ask for a break from you? If anything, we’re all asking for an outing para makapag bonding naman tayo.”

“Di ba ‘yun naman ang gusto mo kaya ka naghanap nang iba?’

“Nang iba?”

“Bakit ka ba paulit-ulit? Alam mo, matulog ka na kasi magliligpit pa ako ng gamit. Narinig mo naman na 5:30 ang alis naming di ba? Alas onse na. May balak pa akong matulog.”

“Ayan, dyan ka magaling. Hindi paguusapan ang dapat pagusapan tapos galit ka lang ng di ko alam.”

Kyungsoo leans his head back and hits his head on the wall in the process. He closes his eyes, breathing heavily, trying to refrain the tears from falling.

“Bakit kasalanan ko? Gusto ko lang naman ng break. Gusto ko na magpahinga. Pagod na pagod na ako.”

“Pagod ka na sakin? Sa amin?”

He looks at Jongin dead in the eye and grunts,

“Sayo. Pagod na ako sayo.” He rubs his eyes with the palm of his eyes, feeling the wet tears as he makes contact. “Alam mo, kung di mo ako tutulungan mag empake, bumalik ka na sa kwarto mo.”

“Kwarto natin.”

“Kwarto mo lang ‘yan last week nung tinanong ng girlfriend mo ah.”

Jongin stands up from the floor. He paces back and forth in front of Kyungsoo, trying to make sense of what’s happening.

“I don’t understand.” He says. “Gusto ko lang makipag-catch up sayo. When we finally have the time, you’re leaving by yourself, leaving no time for us. Ganyan ka na ba saming mga kaibigan mo?”

“Kaibigan?” Kyungsoo angrily asks, ears turning red. “Mino-momol mo ba lahat ng kaibigan mo?”

Jongin freezes in his spot. In the last seven years, they’ve never really talked explicitly about the things that they do with each other. For Kyungsoo, he thinks that they both understand whatever it is but for Jongin, he was scared for things to change if he ever brings it up. But things are changing now and Jongin can’t quite grasp of where to hold or what to hold.

“Kyungsoo, wala ka buong taon.” He gulps. Jongin’s eyes start to blur, the tears forming before he can tell himself not to.

“Alam ko.” Kyungsoo finally takes the pillow beside him so he can have something to squeeze. “Pero sana sinabi mo di ba? Hindi yung uuwi ako parang wala lang tapos tangina, may iba na pala. Sobrang mukhang tanga ko naman di ba? Sana sinabi mo kasi na momol buddy lang hanap mo di ba. Sana simula palang alam ko na. We both knew how busy 2018 was going to be. Hindi lang para sa akin. Para sa’yo din. Napagusapan na natin ‘yon pero it seems na ako lang ‘yung nakaintindi.”

“Dapat bang naghintay lang ako sayo? A person na wala namang assurance kung uuwi ba siya o hindi. Kung babalik pa siya o hindi. Kung mahal ba niya ako o hindi.”

 _That_ sets Kyungsoo off. He stands up from his bed, tears flowing, and hands shaking.

“Hindi kita mahal?” His hand balls into a fist. “Pitong taon akong andito tapos hindi kita mahal?”

“You’re a part of EXO. Of course, you’re he—“

“Hindi kita mahal?” He asks again, voice rising. “Tinatanong kita, Jongin Kim.”

“Hindi ko alam.”

“Hindi mo alam.” Kyungsoo repeats. He moves away, shoulder shaking as he cries. He didn’t know how to defend himself or how to explain how he feels. He was never good at expressing his feelings but Jongin was good at making sense of them but right now he was alone. He loves the man before him with all of his heart but _he doesn’t know._ Kyungsoo’s infuriated. How can Jongin not know when he’s spent every chance he gets to remind him? Where did he go wrong? What did he lack? How can Jongin not know that Kyungsoo is hopelessly in love with him?

“Kyungsoo, huy.” He doesn’t realize that Jongin is a step away from him, grabbing his wrist, in attempt to calm him down. It was like the dam inside him was opened. He couldn’t stop crying even when he tried. All he finds himself doing is punching Jongin’s chest repeatedly. _Paanong hindi mo alam?_ He cries, over and over. _Mahal na mahal kita. Paanong hindi mo alam? Jongin, bakit hindi mo alam?_ He sobs, grabbing a fistful of Jongin’s shirt. “Tama na, sorry na.” Jongin shushes him, wrapping his arms around the smaller, swaying him side to side to get him to stop crying.

“Bakit hindi mo alam?” He repeats but he relaxes into Jongin’s arms. “Ang daya. Ako naghintay ako. Bakit hindi mo ako hinintay?”

Jongin peppers his head with kisses, his own tears betraying him.

“Hindi kasi ako sigurado.”

And Kyungsoo knew that was it. It was the only answer in the lingering question in the last seven years. In every kiss, there was a question of what they were. In every date and in every fight, the question floated around them, ignored but as he sobbed on Jongin’s chest he found his answer— _hindi ako sigurado._

It feels like 500 Days of Summer when the girl tells him that she found what she was never sure of him in another guy. It stabs his heart again and again but this time the stab is deeper and more painful. The last seven years with Jongin were the only thing that Kyungsoo was sure of. He was always conflicted about work or confused if what he was doing was right or he always wondered if it was just something that he was used to. Kyungsoo always questioned things but he was always sure of Jongin.

“I have to pack.” He mumbles, pulling away from Jongin but he doesn’t move. He just stands there, sniffing, thinking, hurting.

“This is the best thing you can come up with? To leave me?” Jongin asks in between sobs.

“We live together. We work together. Jongin, I can’t leave you even if I wanted to.”

“Do you want to?”

Kyungsoo looks at him. There’s so much sadness and pain on Jongin’s face and he feels so _incredibly_ sorry for hurting him like this but he can hear his own hear breaking as time passes. _Ang paasa mo, Jongin._

“Sorry kasi umasa ako.” Kyungsoo wipes his cheeks but a fresh batch of tears falls. “Sabi nila kuya, masaya ka daw lately. Yun lang naman ang kailangan kong marinig—na masaya ka.”

“Pero iiwan mo ‘ko.”

“Uuwi ako sa 20, tanga.” He manages to chuckle. “Wag kang OA. 3 weeks lang akong wala. Magpapahinga lang ako para pag balik ko, maayos na ulit ako.”

“Pero ang tagal ng three weeks.” Jongin whines and Kyungsoo wants to give in. He really does. He wants to book another flight to Canada and then to wherever he plans to go but he can’t because now there is no _KyungsooandJongin._ There was another person in the equation, one that doesn’t know anything about them.

“Sabi mo nga di ba? Isang taon akong wala tapos wala kang kasama. At least di ba? Ngayong three weeks na ‘to, may kasama ka na. Andyan na siya.”

“Why do you sound like you’re never coming back?”

“I’m coming back, gags.” He pushes Jongin out of the way to his suitcase. He lays the suitcase on the floor and then sits back on the bed. At least there’s a little bit of progress. Kyungsoo feels his heart in his chest as if saying, _I’m here. You’re okay. You’re alive._

“Just not coming back to me, right?”

Kyungsoo nods.

“You closed the door before I could stop you when you let her in.” Kyungsoo kicks him lightly on the leg. “I’m the happiest when you’re happy.”

“Di mo gets eh.” Jongin whines even more, kneeling by Kyungsoo’s legs. His cheeks are tear-stained and his lips red from all the biting he’s doing. “ _You_ make me happy.”

“She makes you happier, ganon? I’m not going to make you choose, Jongin. I’ve already cried. I’m feeling better and I need to pack. So don’t worry, hindi na ako magdadrama pa.”

“No. _You_ make me happy. She makes me happy too but _you—_ “

Kyungsoo knows Jongin too well to know that he was just scared and spitting out nonsense. Jongin has a habit of saying the first thing that comes to his head whenever he was scared or nervous. Kyungsoo feels like he was in between the two.

“Nakikita ko yung mga ngiti mo sa kanya eh.” Kyungsoo drops his head on top of Jongin’s. He feels the younger boy’s arm wrap around his waist and it makes Kyungsoo’s breath hitch. “Ganun ka dati ngumiti sa akin. Kilala kita, Jongin. Masaya ka.”

“Kyungja—“

“Don’t’ worry. I’m going to come home. I’m gonna come back. I just need a break from work. To some extent, from you but I’m going to come back.”

“To me?”

“Jongin…” He warns. Just a little more coaxing and he might give in. _I will always come back to you._ “I need to pack.”

Jongin tilts his head to see Kyungsoo’s face and it makes him cry a little more. He was losing him and there was nothing that Jongin could do but cry. Kyungsoo sighs, taking his cheeks in his hands, and— _oh my god he’s going to regret this—_ plants a bittersweet kiss on his lips.

“Chanyeol is going to kill me kung late ako magising.” He says when he pulls away. _I love you,_ the words threaten to leave his mouth but he bites his tongue in. Jongin leans in for another kiss but Kyungsoo pulls away, removing Jongin’s hands on his waist. He kisses the top of his head and stands up.

His suitcase awaits.

 

 


	2. Drunken Truths

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His homecoming ended in his home leaving.

**SM Ent. confirms that EXO Kai and BP Jennie are indeed dating!**

Kyungsoo shuts off his phone as soon as he reads the headline of his company’s email. _Way to start a vacation,_ he thinks. His first in Toronto was spent catching up on his sleep. He hasn’t slept in days and even the flight to the North didn’t lull him to sleep. He was just constantly thinking, crying, and thinking some more. On the second day, he wakes up to an email notification from his company followed by a forwarded message from their manager. The EXO group chat is quiet. The last message sent was a photo of Chanyeol and Baekhyun fake crying at how much they already miss him.

He appreciates the quiet. But not this kind of quiet. Not the deafening kind but Kyungsoo thinks that he’ll take it rather than the noise on social media. The news is out—Jongin and Jennie. He still can’t wrap his head around the idea that somebody else was paired with his name. He sighs, unlocks his phone, and opens the email. The message was more informal and personal because the company tends to brief their employees before releasing actual articles. Attached were photos of Jongin in his car, picking up his girlfriend from the dorm, photos of Jongin and his girlfriend in the park, photos of Jongin laughing… just a bunch of photos of Jongin that he hasn’t seen in his life and maybe, yeah, he spent so much time away from the dorm, his members, and Jongin but it wasn’t like it was a deliberate decision. If Kyungsoo could, he would take at least two days off weekly to recuperate and be with his second family. Before he knew it, months were passing by and he was either in a movie set, filming booth, or a press conference. Life was a blur for Kyungsoo Do. He can’t even remember precisely the things that he did or the things that he said. For the most part, Kyungsoo was just exhausted.

If it wasn’t for the date on the photos, Kyungsoo wouldn’t know the when and where. This was just one of the many things that he missed out in the year and he thinks that maybe it was also his fault. He should’ve ended whatever _it_ was before it started. He should’ve tried more. He should’ve been there. He should’ve— **[1] KYUNGSOO SIZE EIGHT SI BAEK sent a message.**

He clicks open the notification and is pleasantly surprised by a photo of Sehun, Chanyeol, and Baekhyun with a standee of him. All three boys were put up a V-sign and grinned at the camera.

 **Baekhyun (ICE) [13:17]  
**            Miss you! Sendan mo kami ng pictures mo baka mabulok ka na kakatingin sa falls.

 **Chanyeol (ICE) [13:17]  
**            Oo nga!!!!!!! Pictures naman diyan!!!!!

 **Kyungsoo [13:18]  
**            Di pa ko lumalabas ng hotel.

 **Kyungsoo [13:18]  
**            Kakagising ko lang.

 **Sehun (ICE) [13:18]  
**            Wala ka bang pictures kahapon? Frozen na ba falls? Nag CN Tower ka na ba? Nag Poutine ka na?

 **Kyungsoo [13:20]  
**            Kakagising ko nga lang.

 **Junmyeon (ICE) [13:22]  
**            Paalis ka na to Hawaii bukas pero tulog ka pa rin?????????????????????????????????????????????

 **Kyungsoo [13:22]  
**            Pagod. Vacation nga eh.

 **Junmyeon (ICE) [13:22]  
**            Edi sana sa dorm ka na lang natulog.

 **Baekhyun (ICE) [13:24]  
**            Sabi mo mag mag outlet ka!

 **Kyungsoo [13:25]  
**            Baka sa States na lang. @Sehun, ano oras flight ko? Haha

 **Sehun (ICE) [13:26]  
**            11am boarding so mga 8am mag check in ka na.

 **Junmyeon (ICE) [13:27]  
**            Ano na nagawa mo diyan?

 **Kyungsoo [13:29]  
**            Natapos ko na all seasons ng How I Met Your Mother. Baka manuod ako nung Black Mirror mamaya pagkakain.

 **Junmyeon (ICE) [13:29]  
**            Saan ka na nakakain?

 **Kyungsoo [13:30]  
            **Sa hotel. Sarap room service. Haha.

 **Junmyeon (ICE) [13:32]  
**            Di ka man lang namasyal?

 **Kyungsoo [13:32]  
**            Pagod.

 **Jongin (ICE) [13:33]  
            **May Christmas show daw tuwing gabi diyan sa Niagara. Punta ka tas picture ka. Sendan mo kami.

 **Kyungsoo [13:35]  
**            Bahala na. Haha.

 **Jongdae (ICE) [13:36]  
            **Magagalit ka ba pag sumama din ako sa Hawaii? GUSTO KO MAG BEACH

 **Kyungsoo [13:36]  
            **Oo. Wag mo ko masyado mamiss. 2 weeks na lang.

 **Minseok (ICE) [13:37]  
**            Maligo ka na tas kain ka tas pasyal ka! Gusto namin ng tourist pictures!

 **Kyungsoo [13:38]  
**            Wala mag picture sa akin. Haha.

 **Jongdae (ICE) [13:38]  
**            Selfie!!!!

 **Kyungsoo (ICE) [13:39]  
**            Asa ka HAHA

 **Chanyeol (ICE) [13:41]  
**            Noo lang ni Kyungsoo makita natin tsaka dulo ng falls.

 **Baekhyun (ICE) [13:41]  
**            Mamasyal ka naman Kyungja! Magpalamig ka. Nag lagay ako hot pack sa bulsa ng hand carry mo. Nakita mo na ba?

 **Kyungsoo [13:41]  
**            Weh

 **Kyungsoo [13:41]  
            **Di ko pa nakikita pero thank you.

 **Baekhyun (ICE) [13:42]  
**            Bakit di mo pa nakikita??? Di ka pa ba naghahalwat?? Sa ibabaw ko lang nilagay ‘yon kasi ang tamad ni Chanyeol ilagay sa loob mismo. Baka di na hot pack yan.

 **Kyungsoo [13:43]  
**            Hindi pa pero titingnan ko pag bangon ko. Thank you, Baek

 **Sehun (ICE) [13:44]  
**            Maligo ka na tas painit mo sa microwave yung hot pack. Pwede daw ‘yon.

 **Kyungsoo [13:44]  
**            Ang lamig, katamad maligo. Sendan ko kayo picture ng view ng room ko pag sinipag ako.

 **Junmyeon (ICE) [13:45]  
**            Kailan ka ba huling bumangon diyan?? Ang tamad mo naman. Nakakatamad pala ang Canada. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 **Kyungsoo [13:46]  
**            Kaninang umaga nung nag room service. Bakit

 **Junmyeon (ICE) [13:47]  
**             Kailan ka huling naligo

 **Kyungsoo (ICE) [13:48]  
            **Secret

 **Junmyeon (ICE) [13:50]  
            **Dugyot mo gago maligo ka na at bumangon. Picture. Pag yan wala pupuntahan ka namin diyan.

 **Kyungsoo [13:51]  
**            Katamad mag picture. Wala naman taga picture.

 **Jongin (ICE) [13:52]  
            **Sige na! Miss ka na namin. Smile ka sa pictures ha.

 **Kyungsoo [13:53]  
**            Haha, ok.

When Kyungsoo rolls out of bed, he feels his back become sore as a result of staying in bed for the entire week. He sighs, gazing at the wonderful view outside his hotel. The entirety of Niagara Falls greets Kyungsoo in all of its frozen glory. _Beautiful,_ he thinks but he still can’t bring himself to get up and walk around. Walking from the bed to the door when receiving his meals is tedious enough for him. Let alone walking the entire park in Niagara. The falls freezes every winter and the tourists withstand the bitter cold to look at the beauty of Mother Nature. Kyungsoo has seen the Falls in the summer and he even participated in the boat tour to see it up close. The outside world seems quiet—no splashing of water or raging current to fill in as white noise. The sky is blue as it usually is but not in the bright, welcoming kind of blue but in a more of Jongin falling in love with somebody else that isn’t Kyungsoo kind of blue. He finally finds the strength to get up, walking closer to the window to watch the people by the rails, taking photos. There are families, friends, and couples and Kyungsoo feels his heart constrict as he watches the people exchange smiles. He was alone. Usually, he didn’t mind being alone. Kyungsoo was never lonely anyway. If you’re surrounded by seven, sometimes eight, different personalities every single day, it’s hard to get lonely. Even in the hustle and bustle of his job, he doesn’t feel lonely at all. Wary, sometimes. But never lonely. But right now, on the first of January, at almost two in the afternoon, Kyungsoo feels lonely.

 **Kyungsoo [13:59]  
**            @Sehun, can you cancel my flight to Hawaii? Gusto ko pa mag stay dito tapos Korea na lang ako next week. Hehe please bunso.

His phone pings in his hand in an instant.

 **Sehun (ICE) [13:59]**  
Bakit

Kyungsoo raises his phone against his glass window to take a photo of his view. He sends it to the group chat which immediately garners a lot of thumbs up and hearts.

 **Sehun (ICE) [14:00]**  
Okay **.** Next Friday ang Korea mo ha.

 **Kyungsoo [14:00]  
             **Thank you.

Hawaii is bright and happy and Kyungsoo thinks that he doesn’t belong there right now. Not at this State. Canada is fitting for him at the moment. Sehun sends him a screenshot of his cancelled flight and the youngest boy reminds him again of schedules and dates which he will probably ask about again in a week. He pushes away his suitcase and picks up his hand carry backpack so he can snap a photo of the hot packs that Baekhyun packed for him. The hot packs weren’t hot anymore but they were a good reminder that perhaps, he shouldn’t be so lonely because he’s never alone. Even when he’s in another continent, his brothers will always find a way to be with him.

The next week rolls in quite fast and before Kyungsoo knows it, Sehun is reminding him again of his flight details. Kyungsoo has successfully roamed around Niagara and even drove to Toronto at one point. The boy even took pictures but didn’t send it to the group chat. He sent it individually to his members excluding one person. No one really brings the issue up and sometimes they would even interact in the group chat but everyone else pretends that everything is fine. Kyungsoo is thankful, really. He’s thankful for a million other things, he realizes. But most of all, he finds himself thanking the universe that people were more accepting of Jongin’s relationship than the crowd ever was before. He read the news and even dropped by Twitter to see what people had to say. Jongdae slipped out once how the company was happy with the positivity that the relationship was getting. Kyungsoo was thanking the gods that Jongin wouldn’t have to go through his previous relationship fiasco. At least, he didn’t have to worry. Jongin was happy and so was everybody. Everybody except him, apparently.

His visit to Korea was more fruitful than his stay in Canada. From sleeping in bed all day to discovering the joy of retail therapy. Really, all Kyungsoo ever does in Korea was swipe his card and thank people. He often has to go back to his hotel to drop off the things that he shopped before heading back out. His luggage wasn’t going to cut it so before he had to leave, Kyungsoo shipped off his things to the dorm. _A gift to myself,_ he said. He gets an earful from Junmyeon when it arrives the day after because _why are you wasting so much money on kitchen utensils when I just got you new ones for Christmas?_ He explains what retail therapy is to their leader but Junmyeon wasn’t having it. He warns him about spending so much again before he leaves and Kyungsoo jokes about feeling happier than he has ever been in the last three weeks. Of course, that was Junmyeon’s weak point. He resigns from the argument and instead tells him to spend wisely because he doesn’t want his room to be cluttered. They say their goodbyes and see you laters and Kyungsoo ends up shopping again, ignoring the gaping hole in his chest.

Retail Therapy, as it turns out, is a coping mechanism. He finds out about coping mechanisms in the airplane on his flight home. He learns that it’s his brain and body’s way of coping to stressful situations. He also realizes that he spent more than he should have for a single person’s weeklong stay in Korea.

He comes home to six members waiting for him in the living room, all investigating the box of goodies he sent the day before. He beams, actually flashes a real and genuine smile, when he sees all of his brothers all in one place.

“Kuya!” All of Sehun’s six foot one glory is draped around Kyungsoo, weighing the smaller boy down to the floor. Kyungsoo laughs, hugging him just as excitedly before the rest of the boys jump on him. It’s the first time in seven years that one of them left for more than a month. Previously, it was Chanyeol holding the record when he went to Spain for two weeks.

“There’s another box coming.” He warns them when all is calm and his friends continued to open his box. “Tomorrow or Saturday—may beer ba?”

“Bumili si—ayan na pala eh!” Jongdae arrives with a glare because he’s gripping an entire case of beer which seems to weigh more than him. Chanyeol saves the day and thanks him by ruffling his hair before bringing the case to the kitchen.

“Si Jongin?” Kyungsoo whispers to Chanyeol when they started laying out mini-plates. “Bakit wala?”

“Jennie.” The other simply says, nudging Kyungsoo’s hip. “Oy, tara na! Nakahanda na.”

Kyungsoo feels different and yet everything has stayed the same. Junmyeon is still keeping count of everyone’s beer, Jongdae is still leading the storytelling, Minseok is still scrolling on his phone and occasionally showing him memes, Sehun’s leg is still comfortably resting on his thigh, and Baekhyun and Chanyeol are still disgustingly cute beside him. So far, every single person has stayed the same. His dorm remained the same but there was something unfamiliar. Perhaps it was the missing hand on his thigh or the occasional kisses on his temple. Maybe. He doesn’t really know. He listens to the stories and enjoys the noise that reverberates in the dorm until the door opens and a grinning Jongin enters.

“Lasing ‘yan.” Kyungsoo tells Sehun. Jongin hits the door and laughs at himself before locking. Sehun rushes to him, grabbing hold of both of his arms to steady him. “Bakit uminom ‘yan sa labas?”

“Birthday celebration pa rin ni Jennie sa dorm.” Chanyeol shrugs. “Sabi niya di siya iinom. May isang linggo na ‘yang inom ng inom. Feeling niya yata buong January, birthday niya.”

“O, bakit ka lasing?” Junmyeon eyes Jongin who only waves at him and chuckles. “Jongin, paano pag may nakakita sa’yo? Paano ka umuwi?”

“Nag grab.”

“NAG GRAB?!?!?!” The entire kitchen yells in chorus. Jongin stumbles in surprise and Sehun takes his arm more aggressively this time.

“Nag grab ka?! Paano kung nakilala ka nung driver? Lasing na lasing ka. Di ka ba inasikaso don?” Jongdae stands up and offers his chair to him. Jongin plops down, kissing Jongdae’s arm in the process.

“Nag body shots kaso di na kaya ni Jen. So ako na lang. Ganun talaga, di ba kuya Chaneyol?”

Chanyeol shoots him an annoyed look and Baekhyun has to stifle a laugh.

“Malay ko. Lakas uminom ng boyfriend ko. Nagkakanya-kanya kami.”

“Di ka man lang tumawag na lang.” Junmyeon hisses. “Dami-daming pwede sumundo sayo. Grab talaga?” He takes a sip from his beer to calm himself down. “Bakit hindi ka na lang natulog ‘don?”

Jongin pouts—the signature pout that makes him look like a cuddly bear which wins everyone almost every time.

“Dadating si Kyungja.” He says simply, looking around until he spots Kyungsoo, squeezing himself beside Chanyeol. “KYUNGSOO!” He stands up from his seat to lunge at Kyungsoo but Minseok stands up and shields him with his entire body.

“Maligo ka na nga at matulog ka na. Aakyatan ka ni Sehun ng gamot.” The eldest says, serious and firm. Junmyeon smiles. It’s a challenge to get everyone to listen to him but only one word from Minseok gets everyone up and running. As expected, Jongin nods, dragging himself to his room with a very annoyed Sehun trailing behind him.

“Tanga-tanga ‘nun eh.” Baekhyun shakes his head. He reaches to Chanyeol’s other side to grab Kyungsoo’s hand. “Ayos ka lang?”

“Oo naman.”

The carry on, pretending that nothing happened. Even when Sehun trudges back, his annoyance more amplified. He complains about Jongin clinging to him and then downs a can of beer which earns him a chuckle from his older brothers. The rest of the evening pans out well. Kyungsoo even shows them photos of sceneries and selfies that he took during his trip. He gets teased, of course. _Finally out of the bedroom, huh?_ Baekhyun laughs.

Jongin comes back again, ten minutes later, with a shit-eating grin on his face. He’s in his pajamas now and he seems calmer than earlier but the his eyes are still hazy and his movement more languid. Jongdae pulls a chair for him but he shakes his head.

“Did you greet Jennie a Happy Birthday?” He asks, taking a sip of water from a cup that’s obviously Junmyeon’s. Judging by his surprised reaction.

“We’ve greeted her as in three times this week. Hanggang Valentine’s ba, babatiin naman siya?” There’s a hint of irritation in his voice but Jongin misses it because he just down the water. He walks to where Kyungsoo is and ruffles his hair, the sudden contact making Kyungsoo jump in surprise.

“Tulog na ‘ko. I’m just saying good night.”

A drunk Jongin translates to a clingy Jongin. He walks up to all of his members, pressing a kiss on their cheeks. No one’s surprised because sometimes Jongin gets really cute about it. No one can actually get angry or upset at their bear. When he reaches Kyungsoo, he anticipates a cheek kiss as well (although, it’s new but—) but Jongin tilts his chin and presses a quick kiss on his lips before proceeding to kiss Jongdae, Sehun, and Jongdae on the cheek.

“Huy, gago.” Sehun punches him lightly in the gut. Jongin glares at him and then he looks at Kyungsoo again before widening his eyes in surprise at what he did.

“Sorry.” He mumbles. “Force of habit.”

“Jongin, alam kong lasing ka pero tatamaan ka na sak—“ Jongdae warns.

“It’s okay.” Kyungsoo waves him off. “Matulog ka na.”

Jongin hums.

“Did you have a good time?” He asks. “How was Hawaii?”

“I didn’t go to Hawaii. I extended my stay in Niagara.”

“Without me?” He dramatically says, sitting on Sehun’s lap for added effect. Kyungsoo smiles.

“Well, kailangan kong masanay di ba?”

“Eh.” Jongin doesn’t feel the weight of Kyungsoo’s words. Not yet. “Next time, sama na ‘ko sayo. Three weeks is too long without you. Mamatay na kami ni Sehunnie.”

“Na kaya mo nga ng isang taon na wala ako.” Kyungsoo jokes. “Nakahanap ka nga ng iba within that time span. Three weeks pa kaya?”

“Kyungsoo.” Junmyeon kicks Jongin’s leg lightly. “Tulog na ikaw.”

“No.” His eyebrows furrowing together. “For how long are you going to hold _that_ against me?”

“Alin?” Kyungsoo asks nonchalantly but his hands are gripping his joggers and his breath has started to hitch. “Stop acting like walang nagbago, Jongin. Madami—madaming nagbago. It’s uncomfortable for me, for everyone to be honest, tuwing ganyan ka.”

“What do you want me to do?” He challenges.

“Let me be. Go away. I don’t know. Find something to do.”

“That’s unfair.”

 _“I’m unfair?”_ Kyungsoo almost chokes out his words and Chanyeol half-heartedly offers him a cup of water. “Matulog ka na nga. Pagsisisihan mo din ‘to sa umaga.”

“Why sleep when I can have you here telling me the truth? Sige, sa harap nila kuya. Game. Kasi lagi ka na lang umiiwas. Tapos pag ibibring up ko, ang solusyon mo umalis tapos, game. Sa harap nila—tell me, what do I have to do so we can be normal again? Hassle din kasi, Kyungsoo eh.”

_“Hassle?”_

“Ano, paulit-ulit nanaman? Bingi ka na ba?”

“Bunganga mo. Tumahimik ka nga.” Sehun spits.

“Hindi eh.” He shakes his head at his friend. “Akala ko after three weeks, pwede na tayong maging okay eh. Tapos uuwi ka dito na iwas na iwas ka pa rin. O, so nagka-girlfriend ako. Sorry. Sorry may nagmahal sakin nung wala ka di ba? So hanggang kalian mo itatapon ‘tong pagkakaibi—“

“Jongin, tatamaan ka na sakin.” Baekhyun stands up from his seat to Jongin. He flicks the younger’s forehead but he doesn’t seem to feel anything. “Wag mong puntiryahin si Kyungsoo dahil lang lasing ka.”

“O, bakit? Akal aba niya siya lang nasasaktan sa ginagawa niya? Iwas, iwas. Pitong taon din naman tayong magkaibigan tas kung maitapon mo parang kahapon lang tayo nagkakilala. Ano, sige! Salita na, Kyungsoo. Kakampihan ka naman nila kuya eh. Game. Ano? Anong gagawi—“

“Hindi ka ba titigil? Ilang taon ka na ha?” Minseok steps in, pointing at Jongin. “Di mo kayang rumespeto sa mga tao dito, bumalik ka na sa kwarto mo.”

“Ako nanaman, kuya?” He whines, standing up from Sehun. His hands find his waist and he doesn’t realize that he started crying. “Akala nyo ba di ko alam na kayo lang kinakausap niya nung wala siya? Lahat kayo diyang magkakatext habang kumakain tapos ako walang kausap? Sorry nga. Sorry kasi nga may iba. Eh never naman naging malinaw kung anong meron so ano, intay ba tayo hanggang mapuno ng award yang cabinet dyan tapos pwede na syang umuwi? Sa TV ko siya boboyfriend-in, ganun ba?”

“Isa.” Minseok’s tone sends shiver in everyone’s spine. Everyone glares at Jongin in warning because an angry Minseok is a scary Minseok. Scary being an understatement. “

“Sinasabi ninyo lagi akong na kina-Jennie. Eh panong, hindi? Lagi na lang akong magisa dito kasi laging siya lang iniisip niyo. Ano ba ‘yan? Kami lang ni Kyungsoo ang magulo. Bakit nakikisali kayo? Wala man lang maniwala sainyo na masakit din ‘to para sakin. Hindi ko naman sinasadya. Sinubukan ko namang pigilan pero—“

“Dalawa—“

“—Sorry, Kyungsoo.” He turns away from Minseok to Kyungsoo. “Sorry kasi tinago ko. Hindi ko kasi alam kung paano ipapaliwanag na mayroong iba. Hindi ko rin matanggap sa sarili ko nung una na hindi ikaw at ako ‘yung magkasama. Pinigilan ko, promise. Sinubukan ko.” Jongin finally chokes a sob. “Uuwi ka dito pero ayaw mo pa rin sakin. Mahal naman kita ah. Mahal na mahal nga eh. Kaya lang naubos na ‘ko eh.”

“Tat—“

“Kuya, yaan mo siya.” Kyungsoo says under his breath, reaching for Minseok behind him in assurance.

“Hanggang kaya ko, sinubukan ko naman punuin ‘yung sarili ko. I tried to love you enough for the both of us kasi busy ka di ba? Pero Kyungja, ubos na ‘ko. Naubos na ‘ko ng di mo alam at hindi ko alam kung paano ko sasabihin sayo kasi alam kong hindi mo _pa_ kayang punan ang lahat ng kulang.” Jongin wipes his tears with the back of his hand. “Mahal ako ni Jennie. I’m not sure if I’m quite there yet. But I’m not going to let her go just because you’re here now. Just because convenient na para sayo na mahalin ako ulit.”

“Wala naman akong sinasabi sa’yo na iwan mo siya.” Kyungsoo sighs. “Di ba sabi ko sayo, masaya ako na masaya ka? I’m sure hindi naman sinasadya nila kuya na mapagiwanan ka kaya lang siguro nung una mas nalungkot lang talaga ako kaya sila andon. Pero bunso ka dito. Kahit anong gawin mo, mahal ka ng mga tao dito.”

“Pati ikaw?” He asks in between sobs.

Kyungsoo nods dejectedly.

“Lalo na ako.”

“Bakit hindi ka bumalik ng mas maaga? Kainis naman, Kyungsoo eh.”

“O, bakit ako nanaman?” Kyungsoo walks up to him, wiping his tear-staind cheeks. Their friends watch attentively, hearts breaking for the two people that they love the most. “Don’t make the same mistake I did. Pay attention to Jen. She loves you, sabi mo. Then go. Kung lagi mong iintindihin ‘yung past, baka mawala din siya.”

“She told me she loves me today.” Jongin says suddenly as if making an announcement. “I couldn’t say it back. Not yet, at least.”

“’Paka drama naman talaga.” Minseok shakes his head, running his fingers through his hair in frustration. “Jongin, tulog na. Matulog na kayong lahat. Nakaka stress ‘tong homecoming ni Kyungja.”

“I couldn’t say it back kasi napunta sa Canada tapos sa Korea tapos pauwi dito sa Pilipinas ‘yung puso ko.” He grabs hold of Kyungsoo’s shoulder and as if he’s begging he cries, “Balik mo na ‘yung puso ko, Kyungsoo.”

“Jongin…”

“Sobrang pagod na ‘yung puso ‘kong mahalin ka. Baka pwedeng pakawalan mo na at hayaan mo siyang magmahal ng iba.”

Kyungsoo cries, resting his head on Jongin’s shoulders. He cries loud and hard and he thinks of being selfish because at least he still has his heart and things can still change from here but he knows that’s just being an asshole. So he cries. He waits for the hand to rub his back but it doesn’t come so he cries harder. The rest of the boys exit quietly from the scene with a reminder from Junmyeon to clean up once Jongin and Kyungsoo fall asleep. All the while, Kyungsoo continues to cry and so does Jongin. This is what they do best—break each other’s heart.

“Bumalik naman ako ah.” Kyungsoo mumble against his shoulder. “Huli lang pero andito pa ‘rin.”

“Sobrang mahal kita. Gagawin ‘ko lahat para sa’yo, Kyungja.” Jongin cries. “Pero pwede bang ako naman muna ngayon? Please?”

 ****  
  


 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO!!!!!!!!!! YES CHAPTERED FIC NA SIYA YIEEEEEEEEEEEE
> 
> 1\. Let me know what you think in the comments! Leave me kudos and hugs and all that.
> 
> 2\. TWEET ME @__jonginnie (that's two underscores!!)
> 
> 3\. Let me know your favorite scene or line???? Kwentuhan ninyo ako!
> 
> 4\. Di ako nag proofread. Kung ipagpapatuloy natin ang pagbasa sa gawa ko, masanay na kayong tamad akong mag beta. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA


	3. Isang Letra

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Umaasa ka pa ba?

The thing about breaking up is that you don’t just breakup with the person. You breakup with habits and routines and it’s much more tedious and painful than the breakup itself. This, Kyungsoo knows. It’s why he chose to create a simple routine the day after he got back from vacation—sleep, play video games, eat, and sleep. Kyungsoo’s dedicated. Ask anyone from his family to his work friends, they would say the same thing. He pushes through whatever to get to where his goals is. It doesn’t surprise his members when he gets used to his new routine. Junmyeon even jokes about him being in the same position before he leaves for work and after work. _An real actor,_ he would say as he kisses the top of Kyungsoo’s head.

On the third Monday, Bakehyun plops on the bean bag that magically appeared in Kyungsoo’s room (Chanyeol bought it for him after Kyungsoo flooded him with texts at 3 in the morning) and picked up another controller on the floor.

“You’ve gotten better.” Bakehyun quips, looking for a character on screen. “I got you another bean bag. Sabi ni Chanyeol gusto mo pa daw ng isa. Baka sa Wednesday pa dumating though.”

“Thanks.” Kyungsoo mumbles, reaching for the can of coke in front of him and downing it in one go. His burp comes shortly after which elicits a groan from his friend. “Ang arte ha.”

“At least, takpan yung bibig di ba?”

“Kwarto ko ‘to.”

“Udon tayo after the game.”

“May pagkain pa ‘ko diyan.”

They start playing in silence. Even Baekhyun didn’t make a sound which is a surprise because he liked distracting his enemy with his screams but he would glance at Kyungsoo with a worried look on his face and by the last leg of the game, he stopped playing to let Kyungsoo win.

“Kung di ka aalis ng kwarto, maligo ka naman.” Baekhyun teases, faking a gag. “Wala ka work?”

“Eh sabi ko sa March na.”

“Aba, Kyungsoo. January palang. Anong gagawin mo dito?”

“Eh.” Kyungsoo stands up from the floor to plop on his bed. He takes his phone from his pocket and plugs it on his bed side table. “I figured I should rest.”

Kyungsoo doesn’t really know how it started. He was offered something three weeks earlier but he declined it. His manager understood at first. The boy has been working nonstop the year before and a little break won’t hurt but one project became two and two became three. The next thing he knew, Kyungsoo turned off his work phone and instructed his manager that he just wants a long nap and he should only be contacted if it was EXO related. How can his manager say _no_ when Kyungsoo has never complained about anything and this was his first _celebrity_ request? His room with Junmyeon became _just_ his room because the leader wanted to give him some space when he woke up to Kyungsoo’s crying—wailing—one work night weeks ago.

“I was watching The Notebook.” He reasoned out over breakfast. To which Jongin mumbled, “He doesn’t even like The Notebook.”

In the last few weeks, Kyungsoo learned about the joy of online shopping. First came a mini-fridge. Next came his Play Station 4. Next came the joy of harassing Chanyeol to buy him a bean bag and then asking to Junmyeon to buy him groceries for his mini-fridge. He finds himself sending Sehun a screenshot of a small microwave to which the younger replied with a screenshot of the ETA of the package. Junmyeon’s bed became his laundry basket because the original one was full. Every day he makes a mental note to himself to clean it up and change the beddings and every day, he fails. Luckily, a very concerned Minseok comes in every morning to vacuum his room. Sometimes the eldest even brings breakfast for the two of them. No one says anything about his prison-like lifestyle until Jongdae finds him face down on his new bean bag (Thank you, Bakehyun!), controller in hand, a can of coke in another, shoulder shaking as he sobs into the Upholstery Grade Cotton that arrived two days before.

“What are you doing?” Jongdae fully opens the door and kicks his leg. “Kyungsoo, ano bang nagyayari sa’yo?”

“I’m dehydrating myself.” He grumbles.

In the background, Kyungsoo can hear guitar playing from Sehun’s room. Chanyeol was bored and brought his piano, loop recorder, his laptop, and guitar to teach Sehun some stuff. Kyungsoo drowned the sound by wearing headphones while playing but the moment he took it off to take a break, he hears a soft melody coming from the room next to his. It was nice. _Really nice._ Until Chanyeol started singing along to his mic—

_Oh, I built a world around you_ _  
Oh, you had me in a dream,  
I lived in every word you said_ _._

“Pag di ka tumayo diyan, tatawagin ko si Jongin.” Jongdae’s empty promise works. Kyungsoo slowly gets up from his position to sit down on the bean bag, cheeks with dried tear stains as he drinks more coke. Some people drown their sorrows in alcohol. Kyungsoo drowns his in alcohol and then he doesn’t drink anything else even though his lips have started cracking and the color went from pink to white.

“Since when does Chanyeol write sad songs?” He asks, attention still solely focused on the music. “Distracting. Tell him I’m playing a game.”

“Actually si Sehun yung nagsusulat. Nagpatulong lang siya kay Chanyeol mag lapat ng tunog.”

_The stars had aligned_   
_I thought that I found you_   
_And I don't wanna love somebody else._

“Heartbroken din ba siya?”

Jongdae sits on the floor next to the bean bag. He reaches for Kyungsoo’s coke and throws it in the bin next to him. He widens his legs and opens his arms for Kyungsoo to fall into but the younger doesn’t take come to him. Not yet at least. Kyungsoo glares instead. On a different day, the glare might have worked and Jongdae might have laughed but lately, the glare has lost its magic and it just seems sad.

_Oh, we left it all unspoken_  
Oh, we buried it alive  
And now it's screaming in my head.

“You sure Sehun didn’t write for me and Jongin?”

Jongdae’s arm are still spread and Kyungsoo huffs and shakes his head. He didn’t want to cry to any of his members. He didn’t even want to voice out how he really feels. He knows that they have an idea. Contrary to him, Jongin tells everyone about what happened or what his side is. It’s just who he is—open to the love and support his family can give him. Kyungsoo was different. He didn’t want to burden his friends because he knows the feelings in his chest are heavy and he can do this alone. _Yes, he can._ He never wants to put anyone in an uncomfortable position and make them choose. Jongin was his great love but he was also his best friend and he can’t make people choose between the two of them.

The rest of the members tried hard to befriend his new girlfriend. Kyungsoo can sometimes hear the noise in the kitchen but for most occasions, they celebrate it in the downstairs unit. He basks in the silence and he enjoys the emptiness. _It’s what I deserve,_ he thinks. He confuses himself with how much power he has over his career because if he could’ve taken a break last year like he’s doing now, things may not have ended up this way. Maybe. Just maybe.

_Oh, I shouldn't go on hoping_   
_Oh, that you will change your mind_   
_And one day we could start again_   
_Well I don't care if loneliness kills me_   
_I don't wanna love somebody else._

_Why didn’t I take a break?_ He finds himself asking this a lot since he created a man cave out of his room. _Did it take losing Jongin for him to rest and refocus?_ But the thing was that Kyungsoo never liked breaks. He likes his job and he likes being busy and he likes the immediate gratification he gets from his fans. This was his dream. To some extent, he knows he shouldn’t be sorry for following his dream. The chance of becoming a global celebrity is one to a billion and here he was but was all that worth losing the only person he’s loved in his entire life?

He was twenty six now. When he thinks about it, he should’ve dated around at eighteen before settling with Jongin at nineteen. Settling being never looking at anyone else but his bear. When he thinks more about it, he doesn’t want to love anyone else but him. Things fell into place when it comes to Jongin. Everything worked out in their favour. They understood each other in a level that no other friend could reach. _Everything just made sense._ And maybe it’s because they both tried equally as hard because Kyungsoo is aware that nothing in life comes off as easy—nothing worth having, at least. But come rain or shine, through thick and thin, by hook or by crook, he tried his best to make things work and Jongin did the same.

Until he got comfortable. _Too_ comfortable. He got comfortable because Jongin supported him in his hopes, dreams, and plans. He got comfortable because no matter how far ahead he went, Jongin was right behind him cheering him on. He got comfortable because Jongin encouraged him to be where he is now. God knows that he would’ve dropped everything at any time if he only asked but he was comfortable. _So comfortable_ that Jongin wouldn’t ask for that. He was so, _so_ happy. He didn’t realize that he wasn’t anymore.

_Oh, I thought that I could change you_   
_Oh, I thought that we would be the greatest story that I tell_   
_I know that it's time to tell you it's over_   
_But I don't wanna love somebody else._

“Honest to God, it’s a nice song.” Kyungsoo says when the guitar stops playing. “But tell them to play it downstairs. Di ‘yung nagpapaiyak sila dito.”

When Kyungsoo still doesn’t take Jongdae’s offer for a hug, the latter takes it upon himself to scoot over and pull him to his chest. Kyungsoo breathes out a sigh of relief, hands immediately finding the hem of Jongdae’s shirt so he can fiddle with it.

“You know we’re all here for you, right?” Jongdae’s voice is calm and assuring. “We’re all just waiting for you to open your door and talk. Wala naman kaming kakampihan. We understand both of your sides and we still love you both just the same.”

Kyungsoo shoves his face into Jongdae’s chest, a few tears escaping yet again.

“It’s not the same.” He mumbles. “It won’t ever be the same.”

“We want to help you, Kyungja. _I_ want to help you.” He squeezes him tighter when he feels his shirt dampening with tears. “You’ve been in your room for almost four weeks. Lumabas ka ng kwarto for a total of six times. You haven’t been drinking water and you drink so much coke, you’re going to be dehydrated. You eat chips for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Usually, a person gets fat with this kind of diet but since you don’t even sleep, you’ve lost so much weight. Kyungsoo…”

“I’m okay.”

“You’re not okay.” Jongdae adjusts his legs and wraps it around Kyungsoo. Albeit, a little comfortable but Kyungsoo’s shoulders start to relax with more contact. “Kyungsoo, you haven’t showered in days. I love you but ang baho mo na. It’s a mess in here and kakalinis lang ni Kuya Minseok kaninang umaga. You’re so pale and you’re going to get sick soon. Please just let us help you.”

When Kyungsoo doesn’t answer, Jongdae gears himself for another speech that he prepared in the last week or so but Kyungsoo also stops moving and when he checks, his younger brother has fallen asleep. Relief washes over him when he sees him sleeping—lips parted and snores coming out of his nose but his eyebrows are still furrowed and there are still tears on the edge of his eyes. Jongdae stays in his position for about two hours until Chanyeol knocks on the door (surprised that it’s unlocked, tbh) to check in on both of them. Jongdae finally gets the chance to move when Chanyeol carries their friend to his bed. Sehun follows shortly with a small bowl of water and a towel. Together, the three gets Kyungsoo out of his clothes and wipes him all over. The water is mixed with alcohol, an advice from Chanyeol’s mother. They wipe him all over until Jongdae deems him clean before putting him in fresh pajamas. Sehun tucks him in and Chanyeol adjusts the thermostat. Jongdae picks up the scattered cans and plastics on the floor. Sehun excuses himself to dispose the water and then comes back with a broom. He sweeps every inch of the floor to save Minseok sometime in the morning. Chanyeol starts massaging Kyungsoo’s hands while Jongdae is running his fingers through his hair. All along, Kyungsoo continues to sleep. After all, it’s been four days since his last decent one.

“He’s going to break if he doesn’t take care of himself.” Chanyeol whispers.

“Dito na ‘ko matutulog.” Sehun announces. He tells them that he’s going to get his sleeping bag and Chanyeol and Jongdae asks him to bring theirs too.

“I know we said we’ll let him be pero di ko naman kasi akalain na ganito.” Jongdae yawns. “Itext mo si kuya Junmyeon and update him on Kyungja. Nagaalala din siya.”

“Nagaalala naman tayong lahat.” Chanyeol whips out his phone to send a photo to the group—Jongdae and Chanyeol with a sleeping Kyungsoo—saying _We’re having a sleepover with sleeping beauty. Good night!_ Kyungsoo might kill him when he sees it but then again, Kyungsoo hasn’t used his phone in four a week. When it ran out of battery, he just never charged it. He told Junmyeon it was a healthy way to stop his growing obsession over online shopping but they all knew better.

Sehun’s effort goes to waste because the sleeping blags excluding his weren’t used. When Kyungsoo wakes up, he feels hot and heavy and perhaps the two humans squeezing him plays a part but he also starts feeling queasy. He throws off the weight and Chanyeol wakes up with a loud _thud!_ to the floor but before he could complain, Kyungsoo is running to his bathroom. He kneels by the toilet and starts vomiting. _Good god,_ he shakes his head as he continues to shove his face to the bowl. He hears the vacuum turn on and then off. _Fuck, it’s morning._ Minseok enters his bathroom with a disapproving look on his face.

“Ayan, wag ka kumain. Puro asin.” He says, kneeling beside him and tapping his back. “May ilalabas pa ba? Ikukuha kitang tubig ha.”

“May tubig sa ref.”

“May ref ka di—“

“O, tubig.” A sleepy Chanyeol leans on the doorframe with a bottle of water in his hand. “Anong nangyari?”

“Sakit tiyan.” Kyungsoo drops his weight on the floor. Minseok opens the bottle and hands it to him but Kyungsoo’s hands are shaking. “Kuya, hawak.” He croaks out.

“May lagnat ka ba?” Chanyeol presses the back of his hand on his forehead. “Wala naman pero nanginginig ka. Baka mag tuloy tuloy ka mag chills tas saka pa lalagnatin.”

“Help, up.”

Minseok and Chanyeol pull him up but his knees are weak and wobbly that he drops again. His face lands on the toilet and he lets out the water he just took in mere seconds. The next thing Kyungsoo sees are white ceilings and bright lights. The smell of isopropyl infiltrates his nostrils and he knows he’s in the last place he wants to be. He hears the television in the background and a faint conversation between men. His head feels like it’s about to combust when he opens his eyes and tries to move.

“Water.” He croask out. Almosy immediately Junmyeon is assisting him to sit up and he has a cup of water in front of his mouth.

“Sure ka ayaw mong coke?” Minseok asks from the couch. “Chips, ayaw?”

Kyungsoo shakes his head. “Kanina pa tayo dito?”

“Mga 3 hours na. Dinala ka dito ni kuya Minseok tsaka ni Chanyeol tapos sumunod na lang ako. Bumalik si Chanyeol sa bahay kasi sinundo sila Baek at Jongdae. Si Sehun, bumibili ng pagkain.”

“Dito daw ako matutulog?”

Junmyeon lowers the bar on the bed and sits next to Kyungsoo. The latter makes space for him by scooting until he hits the other bar.

“Oo. Hanggang bukas daw. You’re dehydrated, do you know that?”

“I had an idea.”

“Si Jongin nasa shoot pa kaya hindi pa niya alam na andito ka.”

“Di ko naman tinatanong.” Kyungsoo lays flat on the bed but he links his arm with Junmyeon’s. “I feel so tired.”

“Do you want to know what the doctor said?” Junmyeon looks at him as he nods his head. “Severe dehydration. You lost so much water in your body tapos hindi mo pinapalitan.”

“Tinanong nung doctor kung naghihirap na ba daw tayo at wala tayong tubig.” Minseok chimes in, walking to the edge of the bed, shifting, and then laying on Kyungsoo’s leg. “May pambili ng coke, ayaw ng tubig.”

For the rest of the day, the boys alternate in giving Kyungsoo water. No one brings up the vomiting or his man cave. Everyone carries on, pretending to be normal but just in a different setting. It’s both helpful and unhealthy because really, they should all act as adults and discuss this situation. In a couple of months, they’ll have to perform, Minseok will have to enlist and, the group will have to be together for days to no end. _They have to talk about this._ Because Kyungsoo is no longer Kyungsoo and the hole in the group feels more prominent as each day passes.

“Love you.” He hears Minseok whisper before he falls back into sleep and he can only hope that the smile on his face conveys how much he loves him too. Minseok is an angel to the rest of the world but at home, he was their big brother and he always acts like one to the point of him being scary but they know that they’re going to miss him when he leaves. Kyungsoo can only imagine the worry Minseok has with what’s happening to him. _Sorry, kuya._

“How is he dehydrated when there’s a dispenser right _by his fucking door_?” The voice is all too familiar. Kyungsoo’s heart tightens before he can even open his eyes. “Bakit walang tumawag sa inyo? Grabe naman. Nasa Timog lang ako maghapon. Ten-minute drive lang ‘to. Ano ba ‘to? Kanya-kanya na.”

“Hindi ka tinawagan kasi tuwing nasa isang kwarto kayo, nag gaganyan ka.” Minseok answers. “Taas taas agad ng boses mo. Ano, kasing edad mo ba kaming lahat dito?”

“Kasi kuya…” Jongin’s tone turns apologetic and Kyungsoo wants to say something to stop Minseok from biting the younger’s head off.

“Naalala ko kasing may naka-schedule kang date pagkatapos ng shooting mo.” Chanyeol calmly says, the timber of his tone begging for understanding. “Kaya sabi ko, mamaya ka na lang itext pero nasa group chat naman din ‘yon kasi sinundo ko si Baekhyun kanina.”

“May date ka pala eh.” Junmyeon repeats. Kyungsoo decides he won’t open his eyes for now. He’s lost more fluids than he can imagine. If he starts crying again at the sight of Jongin, Minseok might actually just slice him. “Kamusta ‘yon?”

“Di natuloy. Pumunta ko agad dito nung sabi ni Sehun, andito kayong lahat.”

“Pwede ka naman dito matulog. Maaga pa naman. Makipag date ka muna para maka-hapunan ka kasi wala ding pagkain dito.” Junmyeon takes Jongin’s hand. He doesn’t know what else to say that won’t sound biased or unfair. As much as he can, he wants to show him that he respects whatever his new relationship but he also has Kyungsoo, his brother, in his priority list. “Okay naman na si Kyungsoo. Nag uumapaw na ‘yan sa tubig. Makakauwi na din naman bukas.”

“Tatawagan ko na lang si Jen mamaya.”

“Tawagan mo na tapos o-order na lang kami ng food for you. Ikaw naman kasi. Hindi naman agad kailangan pumunta dito. Wala ka tuloy pagkain.” Baekhyun teases. He’s been snuggled up to Kyungsoo in the last hour or so.

“Si Kyungsoo ‘yan eh.” Jongin simply says. “My body went autopilot as soon as I heard. Si Kyungsoo ‘yan eh. Si Kyungja. Mauuna siya lagi.”

_Silence until,_

“Pwede ba ‘kong magtanong kung anong ibig sabihin non?” For the first time the entire day, Minseok’s voice is brotherly—almost cooing.

Kyungsoo can’t help but tighten his grip on Baekhyun’s shirt. His friend squeezes back in acknowledgment.

“Hindi ko din alam, kuya.” Jongin answers with a shrug and a sigh. He pouts at Minseok so he wouldn’t have to continue but the eldest doesn’t budge. “Basta. Alam ko naman na ako may kasalanan nito eh pero minsan naiisip ko, bawal ko bang ibigay yung kasiyahan sa sarili ko? Ready-ing ready kasi si Jennie ibigay ‘yon sakin, so bakit ko ipagkakait sa sarili ko ‘yon di ba? Nag intay naman ako kay Kyungja. Di naman ako umalis kaagad. Minsan pakiramdam ko, I’m doing well. Pero nung sinabi ni Sehun na andito siya kahit sinabi naman niya na okay lang si Kyungsoo, nag automatic eh.”

“Alin ang automatic?” Minseok presses.

“Yung mga paa ko. Dali-daling sumakay ng kotse, papunta sa ospital, paakyat sa kwarto. Nung nasa labas ako ng pinto saka ko lang na-realize ‘yung ginagawa ko. Unfair para kay Jennie. Dapat nasa kanya ako ngayon eh. Birthday ng mom niya, alam ninyo ba ‘yun? Pero ayaw gumalaw ng paa ko eh. Dito lang daw ako.”

Kyungsoo groans. He can’t bear to hear what else he has to say. His words hurt and then they don’t and then they hurt again. He groans, opens his eyes, and asks for water. He doesn’t want to look at Jongin yet because he knows he’s a mess but he glances and he’s already looking at him. Jongin flashes him a smile and looks relieved that Kyungsoo’s okay.

“Kanina ka pa?” His voice scratchy and quiet.

“Kadadating ko lang.” Jongin lies. “Alis lang ako saglit. Di pa kasi ako nag dinner. Balik ako.” He grabs a quiet Sehun by the arm as he rushes them to the door. The door slams shut and then Baekhyun starts laughing. He almost falls off the bed but Kyungsoo is quick to pull him up.

“Sobrang kupal mo.” Baekhyun says. “Kanina pa ‘to gising. Nakikinig sa speech nung isa.”

“Alam ko. Kaya nga ‘ko nagtanong eh.” Minseok wiggles his eyebrows and Kyungsoo shakes his head disapprovingly.

“Hindi na.” He tries to sound firm but Minseok sees right through him.

“Hindi na magkakabalikan pa?”

“Hindi na, kuya.”

Baekhyun makes a face. “Hindi na aayusin pa?”

“Hindi…” Pause. “ _Pa._ ”

“Hindi ka na ba magpapaka-cave man?” Chanyeol raises an eyebrow at him, momentarily looking up from his phone.

“Hindi na.” Kyungsoo answers quickly, eyeing Junmyeon on the side who looks like he’s about to punch Kyungsoo had he answered otherwise.

“Friends na lang ulit?” Junmyeon smiles when their eyes meet.

“Hindi pa.”

Minseok walks closer to him and asks teasingly.

“Mahal mo pa ba?”

“Hindi—“

The door swings open and a flustered Jongin walks in,

“May papabili kay Kyungsoo? Pinapatanong ni Sehun. Baka daw gamot. Pagkain. Gatorade?”

“—na.” Kyungsoo finishes. “Hindi na.”

“Hindi na?” Jongin asks again. “Hindi ka na papabili?”

Kyungsoo nods and looks at Minseok. He lies through his gritted teeth because once his mama told him that the more you think it and the more you say it, the more chances that it may come true. So he says,

“Hindi na.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. WAAAAAH leave me a comment and/or a kudos hehe
> 
> 2\. Let me know what you think! Tweet me your favorite line, quote, or scene! Kwentuhan tayo :-)
> 
> 3\. This is only up to five chapters!


	4. Burnout

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dahil katulad mo, ako rin ay nagbago. Di na tayo katulad ng dati. Kay bilis ng sandali.

The day Kyungsoo decided to get out of the house post-hospital is the same day Jongin decided to stay at home, or so he thought. He nods his head in acknowledgment and tugs on the sleeves of his shirt before heading to the fridge.

“San ka punta?” Jongin asks. His laptop is perched on his lap and a cup of coffee rests on the arm chair. Kyungsoo stands up from bending in front of the bridge. He gets a sight of the coffee cup in a compromising position and he wants to tell him that he’ll bump on to the cup so he better put it on the table. Even if he protests. Even _when_ he protests. They both know he’s going to drop it either way but Kyungsoo stays silent. “Uminom ka bang tubig?”

“Oo. Kanina.” He looks around for something else to busy his hands with. In his head, he’s counting the seconds until Baekhyun and Chanyeol come to pick him up.

“You should drink water, ha?” Jongin looks up from his laptop and smiles. The concern is evident in his voice. A part of Kyungsoo is thankful and another wants to scoff.

“Who are you? The water police?” The joke doesn’t elicit a laugh from either of them. Instead, the awkwardness becomes thicker and heavier. Kyungsoo glances at the clock before taking out his phone to check the time again.

“I didn’t put the dispenser in your room for no reason.”

When Kyungsoo arrived from the hospital, a new dispenser was places in his room. A gallon of water was waiting to serve him with a note attached— _Be healthy._ He thinks it’s a gift from the boys. Junmyeon must’ve collected money from all of them again to get him a mini-dispenser that fits right beside his mini-fridge. Even the color is coordinated. Kyungsoo has been drinking diligently from said dispenser and when the gallon’s about to run out, it ‘magically’ gets replaced the day after. Kyungsoo doesn’t question it because him and the boys are still trying to move on from his _almost dying_ episode.

“Do you like it?” Jongin asks, hesitation threaded in his voice. “The dispenser? I got it from the same shop kung san mo nabili ‘yung fridge mo.”

“Galing sayo?” He tries to hide the shock on his face by looking indifferent but Jongin isn’t looking his way anyway, his eyes are piercing his laptop screen. “Akala ko galing sa inyo. Thanks though. You didn’t have to.”

“I had to. You were _hospitalized_.” The last word is enunciated and Jongin looks at him with a disappointed look. Kyungsoo bites his tongue from saying, _you cannot look at me like that anymore. I don’t owe you anything._

“Thanks.” Kyungsoo repeast, dismissing the conversation. He unlocks his phone and sends a quick text to Chanyeol to drive faster. Their unit was more spacious than the one downstairs but at that moment, it felt like the walls were closing on him. He busies himself in the kitchen, putting back the clean dishes back in the rack. He wipes the clean table and rinses that sink and then— _clank!_

Jongin is standing from the couch, laptop held above his head, and his eyes glued to the floor. The cup of coffee is smashed on the ground and the liquid is slowly seeping in the carpet— _Kyungsoo’s carpet._ They’re equally stunned, looking at each other and then at the carpet repetitively until the doorbell rings and Kyungsoo knows it’s his signal to leave.

“Andyan na si Chanyeol.” is what breaks the silence. Kyungsoo knows it’s irrelevant information but it’s what brings them back to the reality. Sure, the coffee smells heavenly in the living room but the sticky floor was going to drive Minseok insane in the morning. “Di ka ba sasabay? Di ba birthday ni Raon?” It’s like there was no broken cup and no sticky coffee on the floor. Kyungsoo doesn’t know why he isn’t rushing to his side with a mop and a plastic bin on his hand.

“Iniintay ko si—“ He pauses. Of course. Yes. He’s waiting for someone to bring to his family. Kyungsoo doesn’t say anything between the lines of _masyado pang maaga para sabihing girlfriend mo siya ah. Ako nga isang taon bago mo napakilala._ He just nods fervently and then points to the door in the kitchen which is their storage room.

“Andun ‘yung mop. Palitan mo ‘yung carpet, lagay mo sa washing machine tapos labahan ko na lang mamaya. Andyan na si Chanyeol. Punta daw kami sa inyo.”

He leaves before hearing Jongin’s reply. Chanyeol is standing outside the door with an annoyed look on his face.

“Problema mo?” Kyungsoo asks, walking to the car. He taps Baekhyun’s head as a _hello_ before settling in the back seat.

“Andyan pa ba si Jongin? Bakit mauuna pa tayo sa tunay na tito?” Chanyeol backs up from their parking space before driving away. “Or si Sehun ba kausap mo? Akala ko nauna na?”

“Si Jongin ‘yon.” He glances at the rear view mirror and sends a small smile in Chanyeol’s way. “Iniintay daw niya girlfriend niya.”

“She has a name, you know.” Baekhyun jokes.

“I know.” Kyungsoo lets out a nervous chuckle. “Iniintay niya daw si Jennie.”

“Did you drink water before you left?” Baekhyun reaches for Kyungsoo’s thighs to give it a squeeze. That particular question has become a norm for everyone now. Every time one of his members see him, the question jumps out of their mouth. Kyungsoo nods, not bothering to ask why no one told him that the dispenser was from Jongin. Maybe next time. “Andun na ba silang lahat?”

“Yup. Everyone but the OG tito.” Chanyeol signals to the left, leans back as he waits for his turn. “Magtatagal pa ba siya? Baka magtampo si Raon.”

And true enough, the moment Jongin enters his childhood home, Raon walks away from him to his mom. He huffs, tears threatening to fall from the four-year-old’s eyes. The house is filled with close family and friends, his members are all present with party hats on their heads, and even their old neighbour whom he hasn’t seen in a while is singing his heart out in the karaoke. Jongin stood frozen in surprise and so did his family because there was a girl—there was a girl hiding behind Jongin, a nervous smile on her face, and her hand clutching tightly on Jongin’s arm.

“Nongnong, late.” Raon grumbles against his mother’s shirt. “Nongnong didn’t blow the cake with Raon.”

“Blow na lang natin ulit.” Jongin says, smiling widely, and his eyes begging his nephew slash godson. “Sorry na. May ginawa pa kasi si nongnong.” He wants to go to the little boy but not only was he hiding, there was another person behind him who wouldn’t let him go.

It’s Sehun who break the awkwardness by walking to both Jongin and his guest. He high-fives his members and shakes Jennie’s hand. The rest of the members follow. All except Kyungsoo who has Raon hoisted on his hip. He’s distracting the boy (or himself) by scooping icing using his finger and dotting it on the kid’s nose. Jongin goes around to greet his family and to introduce his girlfriend but he really doesn’t introduce her as such. He just mentions her name and waits until they shake hands. Kyungsoo entertains himself by walking around the house, playing with Raon.

“Toto, why is nongnong late?” Raon asks Kyungsoo when they were far from the guests. The singing neighbour excuses himself and the two sits down and plays with the song book. The little boy has his back against Kyungsoo as he flips through the clear pages of the book. “Nongnong is late.”

“Where did you learn the word late?” Kyungsoo chuckles, pressing a kiss on Raon’s temple. “Big word for a big boy, ha.”

“Mama always says Papa’s late. Like not on the—“ Pause. Little Raon digs deep for the word he’s looking for. “Like not on the clock.” _Not on time._

“Nongnong was doing something kaya siya late but he’s still here. He even brought you a present!” Kyungsoo points at the big box standing next to Jongin. The poor nongnong has been carrying it around while trying to find the right timing to go up to his little nephew.

“But you and Toto Yeollie and Toto Baekkie and Toto Hunnie and Toto Myeonie and Toto—“ Raon sits up and looks around to see if all his uncles— _his totos_ —are here. When he deems them complete, he relaxes himself again on Kyungsoo. “Toto Dae-Dae and Toto Seokkie. Totos were all here before Raonnie blew the cake.”

“But nongnong said you can blow it again.” He touches the middle of the little boy’s eyebrows to straighten them. He was upset and pouting and Kyungsoo couldn’t help but coo. “Don’t you want to see nongnong’s present?”

“But nongnong was late.” Raon Kim even crosses his arms in front of his chest. “Mama gets angry when papa is late. Raonnie will get angry too.”

“You even know what angry means.”

Raon nods, proud and sure.

“Angry is not happy. Raonnie is not happy with nongnong.”

“Nongnong didn’t mean to be late.” Kyungsoo repeats, his tone gentler and calmer. He knows that out of everything in this world (including him), Raon was Jongin’s weakest spot. His ex-boy—ex almost cried when Raon got sick with dengue and they were out of the country. He cried on Raon’s first day of school. They would always joke that Jongin was fond of stealing his sister’s thunder. Shouldn’t the parent be more emotional? Not in the Kim household. Jongin was just so, _so_ attached with Raon as if he grew another heart just to love the little boy. When Jongin’s father passed away some time in 2018, he confided in Kyungsoo but he spent more time with Raon. Just playing and rediscovering his inner child. It was a joy to see Jongin so free and happy and Kyungsoo always saw him like that with his nephew. It would break his heart (probably more than Kyungsoo ever did) if Raon doesn’t forgive him.

“Toto Soo…” Raon lifts himself up so his mouth can be in front of Kyungsoo’s ear. “Toto Soo, I love you.”

Okay, so maybe the little boy has a special place in Kyungsoo’s heart as well. Jongin brings him to the dorm more often than the manager advised that the rest of the EXO was good friends with the child. He was everyone’s nephew at this point.

“I love you too.” For the first time in weeks, Kyungsoo feels the sky light up a little and his heart flutter. “Do you want to talk to nongnong?”

“No.”

“Sige na,” He bounces his leg, making Raon laugh. “Nongnong will be sad.”

“But Raonnie is sad too!”

“But nongnong is sorry.” Kyungsoo doesn’t know why he’s still arguing with the kid when Jongin can just be sad for the entire party. After all, he brought this on himself anyway. If he came early then he wouldn’t be caught up in a mess with a four-year-old. “Nongnong loves you so much and he’s sorry. We’ll make him promise na hindi na siya male-late, ha?”

Raon doesn’t answer and Kyungsoo takes the kid’s silence as his cue to call for Jongin. When he looks up, the brown eyes were already staring at him. The gaze makes him uncomfortable but he tries to push it away first for the sake of the child. He gestures to Raon and Jongin almost flies up from his seat with the box in his grip. His girlfriend slowly excuses herself to follow. Jongin drags a chair next to the couch that Kyungsoo and Raon are in with a huge grin plastered on his face (his girlfriend does the same. He doesn’t notice yet but Kyungsoo does and for some reason, he grips on Raon’s waist tighter).

“Toto Soo, girl.” His little arms stretch to point at the person behind Jongin. Jennie smiles, waves her hand, and sits on the single arm chair behind Jongin. Raon doesn’t wave back. He shyly turns away and presses his face on Kyungsoo’s chest and the older props his head on the little boy’s forehead.

“Raonnie.” Jongin kisses his arm and then his hand. “Raonnie, sorry na sabi ni nongnong.”

When his nephew doesn’t budge, Kyungsoo feels it’s time [again] to step in. He rubs Raon’s back soothingly, peppering kisses on his head while slowly removing his small hands on his face.

“Raon, di ba I said nongnong is sorry? Ayan na siya, mag sorry na siya sayo.” _Nothing._ “Sige na. For Toto Soo. Please?”

It works like magic because Toto Soo is his favourite. Toto Soo calls him every weekend to listen to his stories about his dinosaurs. Toto Soo sends him cake when he gets an A+ on his penmanship quiz and he peppers him with kisses until he falls asleep. Toto Soo looks like his favourite cartoon—Pinggu (a fucking Penguin but Kyungsoo won’t be complaining for a few more years) but most of all, Toto Soo makes Nongnong Jong smile the biggest. Raon slowly lifts his head up to look at his blood-related uncle who was silently praying to God, _to Kyungsoo,_ that he would be forgiven today.

“Nongnong is sorry.” He says again. “Sorry, Raonnie.”

“Nongnong…” His little hands make their way to Jongin’s neck. “You didn’t blow my cake with me. Toto Soo helped me but you didn’t.”

“Did you say thank you to Toto Soo?” _A nod._ “Sorry, Raonnie. Toto didn’t see the time.”

“But Toto Soo is _not_ late.” Raonnie doesn’t let it go. His birthday was a big deal and so was Nongnong Jongin. “You always come with Toto Soo.”

 _I know,_ he almost says. Instead, he drags the box next to him and puts it in front of his nephew.

“I got you the Robo-Rob you wanted.” Jongin beams. “It’s almost as big as you.”

Raon lights up, wiggling his way out of Kyungsoo’s lap to sit on the floor and rip out his new gift. Relief washes over Jongin as his nephew tears out the paper with matching animated sounds. He looks at Jongin with his big, brown, bright eyes when he sees the box of his new toy. Jongin hears his sister complain at the back about the huge toy and something about spoiling Raon a little too much. He helps his nephew open the box itself and the two of them slowly takes out a red and gray—nothing to extraordinary—robot.

“Toto Soo, look!” It’s almost automatic the way Raon looks for Kyungsoo. “Robo-Rob!”

“Say thank you to nongnong.” Raon does. “Kiss nongnong!”

There’s nothing more rewarding than seeing Jongin smile like he’s the happiest man on the planet, Kyungsoo thinks. He throws away the thought as fast as he can before diverting his attention to something else. When Raon is completely occupied with his new toy, Kyungsoo stands up to join his friends at the dinner table.

“Wow, happy family.” Sehun teases. “Si Raon lang pala makakapagpa-tahimik sainyo eh.”

“Oo nga.” Baekhyun agrees. “Dapat satin na nakatira si Raon para di na kayo nagbabakbakan.”

“Ewan ko sainyo.” Kyungsoo rolls his eyes at his friends. He takes a clean fork from the table and takes some of Sehun’s cake. “Alangan awayin ko yung ninong niya sa harap niya. Kayo malapit ko na awayin. Bakit ako may bagong dispenser sa kwarto?”

“Wag ka na mag inarte diyan.” Minseok laughs. “Otherwise, lilipat ko sa kwarto ko ‘yon.”

In the next hour, Kyungsoo finds himself surrounded by the Kims. On a normal day, this would’ve been completely fine. He knows everyone by heart. His members are sitting _too_ far away from him and they’ve completely ignored his eyes’ cry for help. Raon is back on his lap and Jongin’s two older sisters are sandwiching him in the middle.

“Uy, tugtugan ko yan nung second year highschool!” Chanyeol excitedly points to the screen when Taylor Swift’s Back to December flashes on the screen. He earns a jab to his side from his boyfriend.

“At kanino mo naman kinakanta ‘yan ha? Trainee ka na nun ah.”

“Si Kyungsoo kakanta niyan ha.” One of Jongin’s sister says. She reaches for the microphone and shoves it in Kyungsoo’s hand. “Ayan na— _I’m so glad…”_

The last thing Kyungsoo thought would being doing on a Saturday afternoon was belting out to one of Taylor Swift’s classics. It’s three in the afternoon and the kid on his lap should be playing a game or the elders should at least be asking him to sing a happier song but no, he was singing Back To December while Jongin’s sister swayed side to side bringing him along in the process.

“Wag kang iiyak, Soo ha!” One of his sisters says as soon as he sings _I miss your tan skin, your sweet smile, so good to me, so right_ but Kyungsoo completely ignores her except that her son—the one perched on his lap—looks up at him with worry sketched across his face.

“Toto Soo are you going to cry? Don’t cry, Toto. Don’t cry.” He pats his uncle’s cheeks, concern heavy on his words. Kyungsoo ignores him as well but not without a kiss on the forehead.

 _If we loved again, I swear I’d love you right._  
_I’d go back in time and change it but I can’t.  
So if the chain is on your door, I understand._

“Seryoso, wag kang iiyak. Iiyak din yung anak ‘ko.” The warning came in a whisper with a light pinch on his side. He nods, chuckling even but Kyungsoo’s heart breaks like a second-year-highschool student going through his first heartbreak. All of a sudden, Taylor Swift’s song starts to make sense more than it ever did and he felt so cliché but also so, so comforted. When the song ends, he hands the mic back to one of the Kims.

“Toto, who is the girl beside nongnong?” Raon asks, a few beats later. “She keeps holding nongnong’s hand. I want to play with nongnong.”

“But nongnong said he wanted to play with you pero you ran away. Ano ba talaga?”

Raon smiles sheepishly. He did run away when Jongin initiated to play cars but he was joking. Wasn’t his uncle supposed to know that? When he came back to the living room with his cars in his hands, Jongin was already glued to his girlfriend’s side.

“You play na lang with Toto Sehun. Tell him to stop drinking and play with you—SEHUN!” He pushes off the child and ushers him to Sehun. The other baby opens his arms for the literal child who was running towards him.

His hands suddenly feels out of place when he’s holding on to nothing so he excuses himself and goes to the dinner table where Jongin’s mom is wrapping up food in plastics for everyone. He takes a bag and starts helping her.

“Okay ka lang?” Mama Kim asks, handing Kyungsoo another plastic to work on. “Parang ako yung maiiyak sa kanta mo eh.”

“Tita naman.” He laughs. “Sila ate kasi eh. Gusto ko sana happy birthday lang kantahin eh.”

“Buti na lang break ninyo pa din at nakarating kayo. Si Raon, miss na mis mga tito niya.”

“Oo nga po eh. Talagang pinatanggal po ni kuya Junmyeon ‘yung schedule ngayon para sa birthday niya.”

When the plastics are all wrapped, Mama Kim and Kyungsoo starts bringing the dirty containers to the sink. Without a word, they put on the gloves and start working. It’s as if they already have a routine, like they’ve been doing it for years. But they have, for a while now. In the last five Christmases, birthdays, and New Years’ even before Raon was born—this was Kyungsoo’s job. After a minutes of silence (and scrubbing that fucking oily, almost orange Tupperware), Mama Kim stops moving to bump his shoulder.

“Anak, hindi naman ako nakikisawsaw ha,” _Oh no._ “Pero hindi nyo na ba maayos ni Jongin ‘yan?”

“Tita,” He laughs nervously. “May girlfriend na. Napagod po kasi ang tagal ko. Kasalanan ko naman.”

“Pinagusapan ninyo ba?”

Kyungsoo shrugs.

“Napagusapan po.”

“Mahal mo pa ba?”

“Mahal po.”

Mama Kim laughs.

“Ang bilis sumagot ah.”

He feels heat creeping up on his neck up to his ears. Whenever he was in an embarrassing position with Jongin’s mom, the color of his ears was his cue to stand up and interfere but Jongin was sitting still, watching TV with his relatives.

“Kaya lang tita, hindi na po kaya ng powers eh. Nung lasing po ‘yan, galit po pala. Sobrang nasaktan ko po ‘yung bunso ninyo.” _Pause._ “Sorry, tita.”

“Ano ka ba, Kyungja.” She coos fondly, the nickname making Kyungsoo feel a teeny, tiny bit better. “Hindi mababawasan ang pagmamahal ko sayo dahil lang wala na kayo ni Jongin. Nasaktan ninyo ang isa’t isa. Parte ‘yan ng nagmamahal. Baka nga kasi bata pa talaga kayo kaya hindi ninyo pa naiintindihan.”

“Okay lang ‘yun, tita.” Kyungsoo scrubs harder. “May nag aalaga naman na po sakanya. It’s more than what I could ask for kaysa naman nalulungkot siya ng dahil saakin.”

“Anak,” She removes one of her gloves to put her hand on her waist. She leans on the sink to get a better look of a very teary Kyungsoo. “Love is choosing and communicating. It’s admitting your weaknesses and your fears and _talking_ about them. It’s waking up every day and choosing the person—all their flaws and imperfections. ‘Nak, love doesn’t come straight out of a movie. Hindi ito destiny lang. Trabaho ‘to. Mas mahirap pa siguro sa trabaho ninyo. I know for a fact that you didn’t talk. Kinwento sakin nila Chanyeol.”

_Tangina mo, Chanyeol._

“Tita…” He sighs, wanting the conversation to end because he will _not_ cry while washing the dishes. “Tita, he found someone that he can live with. He can talk to. I think we both made mistakes and it’s time to move on. We chose each other noon pero nagising na lang siya na hindi na ako ‘yung pinili niya and hindi ko alam kung kailan nagsimula na hindi na ako nakikipagusap ng mata sa mata sa kanya. Pero sa huli, wala na po eh. Sinubukan po namin ng pitong taon kahit hindi official kaya lang po—“

“You don’t choose to love the people you can live with.” Mama Kim wears the glove again and starts rinsing those that have been scrubbed by Kyungsoo. “You choose to love the people you can’t live without.”

“Pwede ng hallmark card ‘yun, tita ha.” Kyungsoo jokes, momentarily taking the serious out of the woman. “Noted po ‘yan para sa susunod na tao ‘kong mamahalin.”

“Alam kong mahiyain ka pero kailangan mong magsalita para maintindihan. Kung kailangan mong magpahinga, magpahinga ka. Kailangan mong ipaglaban ‘yung gusto mo kasi hindi ‘yan lahat lalapag sa hita mo.” She drops her head on Kyungsoo’s shoulder and sighs. “Hindi ko alam kung anong ibig sabihin ni Jennie. Hindi naman na nagkekwento ‘yan simula nung nag hiwalay kayo pero sana subukan ninyong ayusin ang kaya pang ayusin. Magkaibigan kayo bago ang lahat. Magkatrabaho pa, on top of that.”

“Tita, thank you.” Kyungsoo kisses her forehead, feeling comforted for the first time in weeks. He makes a mental note to visit his own mom during the week. “Sorry po talaga na nasaktan ko si Jongin.”

“Nasaktan ka rin naman niya pero hindi naman ibig sabihin nun, nabawasan ‘yung pagmamahal ninyo sa isa’t isa. Tandaan mo anak, lahat ng tao napapagod pero kaunting pahinga at suporta, babalik rin yan.”

“Paano po kung ayaw nang bumalik?” _A moment of hesitation._ “Paano po kung ayaw ko na siyang pabalikin? Baka maulit lang ulit. Baka masaktan ko lang siya ulit.”

Her arms find their way to Kyungsoo’s waist and Kyungsoo feels so, _so_  loved.

“Naalala mo ba ‘yung unang beses na pinagluto mo si Jongin ng Binagoongan kasi paborito nya? Tas sumobra ‘yung bagoongan na sumakit ‘yung tiyan niya.” They both laugh at the memory. Jongin was trying so hard to appreciate his cooking but hit stomach was acting up and it was driving him all sorts of crazy. “Pumunta ka dito at nagpaturo kung paano gawin ‘yun. Yung pangalawang beses mo, tiyan ko naman ang sumakit.” How can Kyungsoo forget? He was so scared that Jongin was going to scold him for almost poisoning his mom but Mama Kim made a promise to keep mum about it. To this day, only the two of them know that they weren’t really shopping out of town but they were quietly spending the night at the hospital.

“Grabe, tita. Secret natin ‘yun ha. Sorry po ulit.”

“Oo naman, ‘nak pero di ba pagkatapos non, sumubok ka ulit kasi paborito ni Jongin ‘yun tapos aalis kayo at mabilis ma-homesick ang batang ‘yon. Nung pangatlong beses, tiyan mo naman ang sumakit. Na-delay tuloy ang flight ninyo halos ng tatlong araw dahil sa banyo ka na tumira.”

“Tita, grabe.”

“Pero sumubok ka ulit di ba? Sabi mo kasi hindi pwedeng malungkot si Jongin sa States. Kahit ilang sakit sa tiyan pa abutin mo. Nag practice tayo ulit di ba? Sa Skype, tanda mo ‘yon? Tapos medyo _okay_ yung lasa. Kumain si Sehun di ba? Pag uwi mo, sinubukan mo ulit dito sa bahay at ayun na, tumpak. Ang Binagoongang nagpasaya sa aking unico hijo.”

“Grabe, tita.” Kyungsoo laughs at the memory. He worked hard. He worked _too hard_ for a dish that now, seems too easy to make. “Ayaw na ayaw niyang kainin pero nung natikman na niya, naubos ‘yung isang Tupperware.”

“Di ba? Kung iisipin mo, ang laki na ng nagastos mo sa bagoong at sa baboy. Pero hindi ka tumigil. I knew from that perseverance na ikaw ‘yung gusto kong makasama ng anak ko. That Binagoongan story applies to now as well. Sumakit lang ‘yung tiyan ni Jongin, sumuko ka na agad. Nasaan na ‘yung Master Chef ko na hindi tumigil hanggang makuha ‘yung gusto niya?”

“Naduwag tita eh.”

“Naduwag din naman si Master Chef noon. Iyak ng iyak nung ako na ‘yung nasa ospital pero di ba? You pushed through it. My point is that, you can’t just say you don’t want to do it anymore when you haven’t tried again. Baka may kulang pa kasi or in some cases baka sumobra sa asin o sa bagoong. It will take time for you to get it right.” She snuggles up to Kyungsoo, feeling better about herself. The sadness that wrapped the dinner table earlier was too hard to bare. “I wish for you to get it right eventually. If you don’t, that’s okay but I want it to be because you tried and things didn’t work out. Nagkulang lang siya sa pasensya at nagkulang ka sa pagintindi. Ano ba naman ang dagdagan ng kaunti hanggang sumwak na?”

“Tita talaga.” Kyungsoo wraps his arms around Mama Kim and kisses her forehead again. “Kahit anong mangyari, love na love po talaga kita.”

“Twenty six ka na, Kyungja.” She smiles softly at him it makes Kyungsoo’s heart hurt even more. “Hindi ka na bumabata. I know you know what you should do. Whether you stay or you leave, I will always be proud of you.”

And so Kyungsoo finds himself asking Jongin if they could talk and the room goes silent as soon as people see that they’re interacting. Kyungsoo promises his girlfriend a timeframe—half an hour to an hour, tops—but she only shoots him an understanding smile before ushering the two of them away from her. They go up to Jongin’s room upstairs and Kyungsoo navigates the place like he lives there. He pauses to look down at the party and only the birthday boy, Raon, is looking up at the two of them. He grins, all toothy and big, and Kyungsoo thinks that perhaps things might be okay. Jongin’s opens his room and a wave of nostalgia hits Kyungsoo. All of Jongin’s childhood photos sat next to a photo of him or a photo of them. His room had traces of Kyungsoo from the bed sheets that he loved that he got for Christmas from Mama Kim to the framed photos that Jongin was so eager to put up whenever he was home. His heart clenches as his closes the door, leaning his back against it when it closes. Jongin is on the edge of his bed, his hands clasped together like a student at the back of hi Chemistry class.

“Sabi ba ni mama, kausapin mo ko?” Jongin asks, he scoots further away from the edge and lifts his legs to the bed. There’s a playful smile on his face that immediately disappears when Kyungsoo nods. Maybe it was disappointed that replaced the smile.

When Kyungsoo looks at his Jongin on the bed, he sees the eighteen year old boy who refused to eat with him at first. He didn’t really age. He just got bigger, buffer. At some point, he and Chanyeol were obsessed with the gym but his face never really changed. He was still the kind-looking, bright-eyed boy he fell in love with seven years ago except that his smile doesn’t spread much around his face anymore and his eyes no longer have the spark that it usually does when he talks to him. He looked exhausted. The kind of exhaustion that no sleep could ever fix.

“I don’t know how we got here,” Kyungsoo starts. “I don’t know how to get out of here.”

Jongin looks up at him with a resigned look on his face, almost like he was defeated and Kyungsoo wants to tell him to lighten up because if there was anyone who lost it was him but he couldn’t bring himself to say _nicer_ things. Once in his life, he basked in the way that Jongin looked at him—with full adoration and love—but right now, at this very moment, as he looked at Kyungsoo with nothing but emptiness, Kyungsoo can’t stop his heart from breaking.

“Ako rin.”

Kyungsoo slowly slides down the door and on to the floor. He pulls his legs to his chest and wraps both his arms around it.

“Sana sinabi mo na nahihirapan ka na para hindi na lang ako nagulat na may iba na.” Kyungsoo doesn’t look at him when he says it. The words leave a bitter taste in is tongue and he thinks that he doesn’t have the right to throw a fit between the two of them.

“Sana tumatawag ka o kaya sana sinasagot mo ‘yung tawag ko.”

“Sana naghintay ka pa.”

“Sana,” Jongin’s voice cracks and he looks away from Kyungsoo. “Sana alam kong may hihintayin pa ako.”

“Pero,” And so does Kyungsoo’s. “Alam mo namang palagi akong babalik sayo.”

“Ang hirap naman nung hindi ko alam kasi hindi tayo sigurado.”

“Palagi akong sigurado sayo, Jongin.”

“Noon.” Jongin agrees. He finds the courage to look at Kyungsoo again. His eyes continuously produce water works and Kyungsoo just wants to stand up and wipe them for him. “Pero nung lumaon, sa career mo na lang ikaw naging sigurado. Alam mo naman na susuportahan kita, kahit ano pa ‘yan kaso bigla ka na lang nawala.”

“Ikaw ang nawala.” Kyungsoo shakes his head, refusing to believe that he was the one who made the mistake first. “You found Jennie.”

“Don’t drag her into—“

“I’m not dragging her into this! I’m just saying na nung dumating si Je—“

“Kyungsoo.” Jongin’s warns. “Stop talking about her. I don’t want to fight.”

Kyungsoo shakes his head. He needs to say it. He has to. Somebody fucking has to.

“When she came in your life, somebody filled the hole in your chest that I managed to make in the last year that I was in and out of your life. I don’t blame you, Jongin.” He pinches the bridge of his nose to take control of the stuff that was dripping out of his eyes? Nose? Kyungsoo isn’t sure. “Sana lang nagpasabi ka because kahit ano pa ‘yan, if it makes you happy—kahit hindi na ako kasama sa happiness na ‘yon—ibibigay ko sayo.”

“Hindi naman ganun eh.” Jongin’s voice raises a pitch and he straightens his legs on his bed and starts kicking. Kyungsoo wants to call him out for ruffling the sheets but Jongin looks too much like a child who lost the most important thing to him. He was distressed, one arms rubbing his eyes and another gripping on the sheet, and he’s kicking his blanket away. There’s so much to say but nothing is coming out. “I never expected for Jennie to stay. She became my friend and then she started to—“

“Jongin Kim, hindi mo naman kasalanan.” Kyungsoo cuts him off, unsure if he can stomach stories about Jennie. Not today. Not yet. “Hindi mo naman kasalanan na nahulog ka sa isang tao na hindi ako.”

“Pero bakit parang mali pa rin?” Jongin’s nose has gone red and his eyes became puffy. Every argument in Kyungsoo’s body disappears when he looks at the sight. He can’t break Jongin’s heart any more like this. “Bakit kahit gusto kong maging tama, mali pa rin? Bakit kahit gusto na kitang kalimutan, mali pa rin? Dinala ko siya dito pero parang mali. Pag dinadala ko siya sa dorm, mali pa rin. So paano ako magiging tama, Kyungsoo? Sabihin mo naman, o. Kasi—“

_Sobs._

_Sobs._

Jongin drops his entire body on the bed and lays flat on his stomach as he hides his face on his bed sheet.

“Tuwing nakikita kita, ang sakit. Ang problema kahit saan ako magpunta andyan ka. Hanggang kailan ganito, Kyungja? Gusto kong masuklian ‘yung pagmamahal na binibigay niya sakin. Kahit hindi ka-level. Ayaw ko ng isipin ka. Gusto ko na matulog ng hindi dahil sa pag iyak kasi…” He sits up again, looks Kyungsoo with pure sadness in his eyes. He’s almost pleading for him to take it all away and if Kyungsoo could, Kyungsoo will. “Pagod na pagod na akong mahalin ka.”

Kyungsoo tries to open his mouth to say something but he fails. He knows what exactly the case is but he didn’t think it would hurt even more to hear it from Jongin. A soft knock interrupts their conversation and they both scramble to their feet, wiping their eyes, and straightening themselves. Kyungsoo even tugs on Jongin’s collar and for a moment, they forget what they were just in the middle of a breakup.

“Come in.” Jongin says.

The door slowly opens with Raon and Jennie peeping their head inside. The child beams at his favourite uncles. The girlfriend avoids to look at them both. She tries to compose herself when the little boy tugs on her hand. It’s only then that she puts on a smile and says,

“Sorry to interrupt but Raon really wanted to blow his cake again. He said he wanted his Toto Soo and Nongnong to be there with him.”

“We’ll be there.” Jongin grins at his nephew. At least, one good thing was happening in his life. “Tara?”

“I want Toto Soo’s hand.” He drops Jennie’s hand and runs to Kyungsoo. He immediately pulls his uncle to the stairs which has Jongin wide in panic.

“Raon Kim! Dahan-dahan! Baka malaglag kayo ni Toto Soo.” He doesn’t realize the volumue of his voice until he sees the way his girlfriend is looking at him. “I mean just be careful, okay? Toto Soo Breaks easily. He’s old, you know.”

“Hoy Jong—“

“I’ll take care of him!” Raon says excitedly. “Don’t worry!”

 _That you should,_ Jongin thinks. _Because I’m not sure I’ll be able to anymore._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO ANG HABA NETO DI NA ATA DIRETSO LIKOD KO 
> 
> 1\. TWEET ME WHEN YOU'VE FINISHED OR IF YOU'RE READING OR JUST SAY HI (@__jonginnie) THAT'S TWO UNDERSCORES
> 
> 2\. Let me know what your favorite line, quote, scene is! Screenshot or just kwentuhan nyo ko para worth it likod ko. HAHAHA
> 
> 3\. Leave a comment and/or a kudos!
> 
> One last chapter to go!


	5. All Will Be Alright In Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I wish you knew the deal, gotta learn from far away and I simply needed space--space for me to be, and I think you need it too. Though I know you call me selfish for assuming, I did this for you too.
> 
> (Someone New, Banks)

**MEETING AGENDA**

From: **Yongmin Noh** <nohyongmin@sment.com>

To: **Junmyeon Kim <**kimjunmyeon@sment.com **> , Minseok Kim <**kim_minseok@sment.com **> , Yixing Zhang <**zlyixing@sment.com **> , Baekhyun Byun <**byunbh@sment.com **> , Jongdae Kim <**jongdaekim@sment.com **> , Chanyeol Park <**parkcy@sment.com **> , Kyungsoo Do <**dokyunsgoo@sment.com **> , Jongin Kim <**jonginniekim@sment.com **> , Sehun Oh <**osh@sment.com **> **

The following are today’s meeting agenda (from the board and the marketing department):

  1. Minseok’s Enlistment Announcement
  2. Kyungsoo’s Movie Announcement



They’re still debating whether or not it would be a good idea to release both news on the same day.

  1. Junmyeon’s charity event press release
  2. Chanyeol’s solo album date plotting
  3. Baekhyun’s Prive partnership with SM Ent.
  4. Sehun’s Busted 4 Schedule alignment
  5. Jongin’s mentorship show schedule alignment
  6. Jongdae solo album date plotting
  7. Lay’s visits for the rest of the year with movie release (temp)



Meeting is at 2pm. It’s expected to stretch until 6pm. Snacks are provided as usual. Don’t be late. This is our **last** meeting with Minseok for a while.

  1. Pagod na ‘ko mapagalitan kapag may late sa inyo. Talaga nga naman. Kaya agahan nyo na. Lalo ka na, Sehun Oh.



 

 **Yongmin Noh  
**Head Manager

 

“Movie announcement, huh?”

Junmyeon throws a glance at the bed next to his to which Kyungsoo only laughs. It’ been three weeks since Raon’s birthday and a week since Junmyeon was able to move back to their shared room. Kyungsoo made sure to tidy up and even hired a professional cleaner because he felt so bad for his behaviour in the last two months. Things were looking up. At least, in the house. They’ve mostly been working on solo stuff and they haven’t seen each other for more than twice a week. Sunday family dinners were a must, per Minseok’s instructions and so far, the past Sundays have been fun and drama-less. Kyungsoo and Jongin didn’t continue their talk from Jongin’s childhood bedroom but _all is well,_ he thinks because they can now sit next to each other at dinner without crying or asking for help. They don’t look at each other, there’s that but sitting next to each other for more than four hours from dinner to drinking seemed like a progress. To the rest of the boys, everything seemed normal again except that they weren’t kissing or sharing sweet glances at each other.

To Jongin and Kyungsoo, it was a silent agreement to shove it under the bed until they were both ready.

“Charity events, huh?” The younger throws back.

“You knew about my charity events.” Junmyeon looks at him. He didn’t look betrayed but he didn’t look to happy either. Whatever happened to telling everything first? “I didn’t know about your movie.”

“Because it’s a surprise. You’ll love it.”

It was _indeed_ a surprise but no. Junmyeon did _not_ love it. When the topic about Kyungsoo’s movie flashed on the screen with several bullet points about the major details, the room fell silent. It was the Jongin-Jennie situation all over again. All eyes were on Kyungsoo but this time, the latter had a smile on his face as he watches his friends’ mouths fall agape.

**Kyungsoo’s Movie Announcement**

  * The Good Side Project by Adi Anello
  * With Andy Samberg, Kyungsoo Do, Isabella Gomez
  * Palo Alto and San Francisco (California), New York (New York),
  * 18 months with reshoots and promotions



“18 months? Who shoots a movie for 18 months?” Junmyeon doesn’t hide the annoyance in his tone when he looks at the presenter in front. “Shoots are 6 months, tops.”

“The production asked for 18 months so I gave them 18 months.” Kyungsoo sweeps in, shooting an apologetic smile in front then he looks at Junmyeon, putting on his _please let me I love you_ face. “We have events inserted in those eighteen months. Fashion shows, photo shoots, interviews, TV guestings. Hindi naman ako naka-cage lang sa movie na ‘yan.”

“Kahit na! 18 months? That’s one and a half year! Di ko magets who works at a film for more than half a year?”

“It’s with reshoots and promotions. Plus, we’re filming for eight months tapos we’re taking a break for I think, two months? Tas reshoots tas promotions. I mean, 18 months is the total time that I’ll spend on the movie. Not 18 months on a film set. Plus, sa break ko na 2-3 months, I’m filming a web series for here.”

“Pero—“

“Kuya, I’m still doing this.” Kyungsoo says, seeing that Junmyeon will argue his heart out until the bosses change their minds. “We signed a contract and everything.”

The slide moves from Kyungsoo’s project to the next. Junmyeon’s charities were listed on the next but nobody seemed to be paying attention anymore. The rest of the boys’ slides fly in a blur and before they know it, the secretary is recapping the minutes of the meeting. The highlighted and most important part of it all was Minseok and Kyungsoo’s projects. Minseok was going to be gone for two years which was almost the same length of time as Kyungsoo’s stay in the States. It was an unspoken note that when Minseok is about to come back, Junmyeon, Chanyeol, Baekhyun, Jongdae, and him would start enlisting. He needed to be a part of the older group because there’s a film lined up for him when he comes back. No one would see Kyungsoo for at least a good four years unless it’s a co-worker, a boss, or a manager.

“But you’re rich.” Kyungsoo jogs to Junmyeon, linking their arms together. “You can come visit me in California or New York.”

“The longest I’ve not seen _any_ of you was two weeks. How do you think we’ll adjust ng 18 months?”

“Okay, now you’re just being clingy.” But he doesn’t let go of his kuya Junmyeon’s arm until they get back in the dorm. They start preparing for dinner without Minseok forcing them to do so. The entire house is quiet, only the clinking of the silverware and the bumping of the bowls filled in the silence. Kyungsoo doesn’t know where the heavy atmosphere came from. They all knew Minseok was leaving in a week. They’ve had far too many goodbye night outs to forget about it and he didn’t think him moving to the States for a while would be a big of a deal.  Baekhyun bumps his hip every now and then when he washes the leaves. Chanyeol taps his shoulder to make him taste the soup he was making. Jongin and Sehun stayed seated in the dining area after the fixed the table while Jongdae was absent-mindedly staring at the rice cooker. There were Minseok and Junmyeon chopping endless onions and radish and Kyungsoo wonders when Chanyeol will tell them to stop.

“Inom ulit tayo.” Sehun suggest, a few mouthfuls in. He’s the first one to break the silence and everything else pauses. “Dali na.”

“We’ve had six goodbye parties and next week pa naman aalis si kuya.” Kyungsoo chuckles, ruffling Sehun’s hair in the process. “Plus, may pupuntahan ako after dinner.”

Kyungsoo excuses himself in the middle of cleaning up and he exits the dorm quietly so no one would ask or try to come with him. The time on his clock says 8:30 and he wonders if it’s a decent time to visit somebody’s house especially someone who isn’t your friend. He hasn’t been out in a while and the only friends he has are his members but he continues to drive anyway. The streets are barely lit but the roads are empty and quiet. Perhaps the universe knew that a person who barely drives also known as him was driving tonight and it didn’t want to risk any casualties. His GPS tells him to turn right, another right, and then a left. He stops in front of a secluded building with only one light for the entire neighbourhood. Not the safest place to be in. He parks his car and jogs to the front door, rings the doorbell twice and—

“Hi, Jennie.”

The first thing that comes to Kyungsoo’s mind is that one’s blanket should never leave the confines of their home because Jennie is wrapped in her large duvet, hair sticking out in all places, clad in her pajamas, feet covered with only socks, and a can of ginger ale on her hand. erhhkdn

“Kuya Kyung—How did you—What time—Does Jong—“

“I’m good friends with your manager. It’s eight something pm, and _no,_ Jongin doesn’t know.” Kyungsoo bends down to pick up the part of the blanket that was on the ground. “Can I come in?”

Jennie moves out of the way to let him in but Kyungsoo is still holding a part of the blanket so it wouldn’t be dragged on the concrete back to the house. Their dorm was a lot smaller than EXO’s and a lot homier (despite Minseok’s, Junmyeon’s, and his’ best efforts to make it seem like a home). Maybe it had to do something about being girls or perhaps the number of the people living in it played a factor. The EXO dorm seemed like a two-story, never-ending bachelor pad (a good description because it used to look like a _fucking_ pigsty). Kyungsoo kicks off his shoes by the threshold and then, he follows Jennie into the living room.

“Water, Tea, or Coffee?” Jennie asks, removing the duvet and placing it on the couch. On the TV, Knowing Brothers was playing (one of Jongin’s favourite shows) and Kyungsoo thinks that, _yeah,_ maybe they do have a lot in common. “The remote’s over there!” She points to the duvet and then chuckles at herself. “Under somewhere there.”

“I like this show too.” He smiles. “I’d like some tea.”

When Jennie exits the living room, Kyungsoo picks up the duvet and folds them properly before placing it on a single couch right in front of him. He really doesn’t know what came over him to decide to be where he is now but he had an inkling feeling that it was the right thing to do. He has to at least apologize for his behaviour and for somehow excluding her in gatherings. It wouldn’t hurt to get to know the person Jongin was interested in just so he knows that the love of his life is in good hands. He was about to leave soon and he wouldn’t be back home for a while so one night, over video games with Baekhyun, he decided to tie loose ends before leaving.

“It’s Peppermint. I’m not sure but dati nabanggit ni Jongin na gusto mo ng peppermint.” The tea is on a china cup which Kyungsoo assumes that she had to look for somewhere in the cabinets. A regular mug would’ve been fine but put your best foot forward, as they say.

“He hates peppermint.” Kyungsoo picks up the cup to take a sip from it. _Decent._ “Thank you. Asan members mo?”

“Umuwi. Kakatapos lang po kasi ng promotions and we were given a break so umuwi sila.”

“Eh bakit ka andito?”

“My entire family lives in New Zealand.” She stands up and presses the volume on the TV itself to lower it down. “I’m going home in December anyway. We only have two weeks eh sayang naman.”

“So you’ve just been here…?” Kyungsoo asks. The image of Jennie he has in his head somewhat resembled his cousins who went to an all-girls school—loud, obnoxious, and self-centred but the person in front him right now was quiet, dainty, and a homebody.

“I’ve been catching up on Netflix.” She notices the change in his gaze and she looks away in embarrassment. “Kakatapos ko nga lang ng _One Day at a Time._ ”

“I love that show!” He puts down his cup to high five her. “Naiyak ako dun sa spiel ni Schneider when Abuelita got a coma.”

“Sis?!” Jennie was full-on excited, whether it was because they shared a same interest or she was just excited about the show, Kyungsoo doesn’t care. “I bawled when Penelope forgave her!”

Kyungsoo ends up picking up the remote and searches through her Netflix account to find the show that they were looking for. He plays the episode that they were gushing about and Kyungsoo throws her an excited look.

“Lowkey crush ko si Schneider.” Jennie says, ten minute through the episode.

“Same.” When Kyungsoo was driving to this almost isolated place, he imagined a lot of tears and a dramatic exit. After all, it seemed like he was going to ask her to take care of the most precious thing he has. He didn’t imagine himself to be watching one of his favourite shows while excitedly sharing anecdotes with the current girlfriend of the love of his life. Maybe, _just maybe,_ things can end up well. “I-pause mo na ‘yan. Maiiyak nanaman ako.”

“Kuya, nasayo yung remote.”

A sad scene is flashed on the screen. Albeit, on pause. It somehow brings out emotions that weren’t supposed to come out until later because Kyungsoo puts the remote on the center table and slumps back on the couch and Jennie watches him with utmost respect. It’s almost painful how much Kyungsoo is beating himself up for the times he hated her.

“I came here because I wanted to apologize.” He says, eyes still fixated on the screen. “For everything. For EXO excluding you kapag andon ka or kapag na-OP ka kapag andun ako. I’m sorry that I basked in the attention of his family kahit ikaw na dapat ‘yon. I’m sorry for unintentionally hurting you.”

Jennie slumps back as well and brings her legs close to her chest.

“Kuya, can I be _really_ honest with you?” She asks, voice low, and her arms wrapping around her legs. Kyungsoo tears his gaze away from the screen to look at her. He nods. “When I met him, it was around the time that you started filming for 100 Days. It was through our common friend in school. Hindi ko alam na schoolmates kami kasi parang fourth year na ata siya tas lagi siyang absent kasi nagtetrain tapos ako first year lang ako nun but yeah, anyway, it was at a party because his friend who is also my senior was engaged and him and—“

“Wait, si Jin Woo ba ‘to?”

“Yes!” Again, the things they find in common put them at ease. “Kuya Woo was my sister’s classmate and I used to hang out a lot in their house so ayon kaya kami friends but I was classmates with Hanbin and Jiwon and we kind of were the ones who worked early in our batch so ang dami naming namiss ganon. So Hanbin, Jiwon, Jongin, and I kind of stuck together the entire night. I mean, we joined them but kami yung group since everyone was also in groups.”

Kyungsoo doesn’t remember a conversation with Jongin about Jennie but then again, he doesn’t remember half the things in 2018 but if he remembers Jin Woo, he probably mentioned Jennie in passing.

“I didn’t see him again until Kuya Woo’s wedding which was a month later. They celebrated their engagement nung okay na lahat ng details nung kasal kasi medyo organized freaks sila nung asawa niya. I went there alone because Hanbin brought a date and so did Jiwon but Jongin didn’t. We were both alone but since we were the ‘group’, we stuck together.”

 _That_ , Kyungsoo remembers. Jongin spent days creating a matrix of their schedules just so he wouldn’t have to go dateless on Jin Woo’s wedding but in the end, he said _yes_ to a radio guesting and Jongin had to go alone. They fought later that night. Jongin cried. It was the first time Jongin brought up his shitty time management skills and how he _needs_ his time and how he _wants_ to spend time with him. He remembers promising him the world, apologizing, and kissing his sorrows away. He remembers breaking that promise almost a week later.

“He told me his date couldn’t go and he wanted to drink away but I also remember him saying that he had a schedule the next day. So instead, I asked him to get cake drunk. There were mini cakes and a variety of desserts, ‘yun na lang. I didn’t ask him why his date couldn’t come but by the fourth round, he stopped checking his phone. We exchanged numbers then. Not just me and him. Pati sila Hanbin. Actually, we exchanged numbers para makapag laro kami sa Telegram.”

The Telegram game was another version of the mafia game that Jongin and Sehun were obsessed with. His phone used to blow up because the rest of EXO were dragged into playing the game. He remembers, muting their chat to keep him focused at work, and then later on missing important matters because he forgot to unmute it. Junmyeon gave him an earful when he missed the impromptu company dinner with the CEO.

“And we started texting because—“

“Crush ka na niya?”

“No.” Jennie chuckles and somehow, despite the situation they’re currently in, Kyungsoo breathes a sigh of relief. “My boyfriend cheated on me and that guy was in his dance troupe in high school. He was my first boyfriend. I remember texting Jongin about something sa group chat and then halfway through I saw my boyfriend with someone else so I just ranted sa group. He texted me privately after. So did Hanbin and Jiwon but Jongin first. He said he was waiting for someone so it was okay to talk on the phone at 1am. I was sad. I would take any form of comfort at that point.”

Kyungsoo knows that he has the biggest heart. Jongin would take a bullet for any of his friends. And while it irks him that he doesn’t know this part of Jongin, he takes pride in how kind and how big his heart is. Even if Jongin wasn’t waiting for anyone (read: him), he would’ve stayed on the phone until Jennie was feeling better.

“That lasted for a week. He was working so he could only talk on the phone. Hanbin was in charge of bringing food in the morning and Jiwon in the afternoon. They had this pact that they would take care of me until I was feeling better. It was nice. They were my best friends at this point. I couldn’t tell my members because they didn’t know about my boyfriend but they knew of my friendship with the boys. And then one day, I called him because I bumped into this ex-boyfriend sa company namin mismo but he picked up crying. I don’t remember much of what he said on the phone but I just remember asking where he is and going to where he was.”

“Was he at the dorm?”

“No. He was at your house.”

“In Cavite?”

“In Cavite.” Jennie nods. “He said that you were mad at him for something and you wouldn’t get out of the house and you refused to go to the dorm. He said that the company van left and he doesn’t have any means to go home. He cried so hard, my heart hurt. I mean, you get said when somebody cries di ba? Pero Jongin was borderline hyperventilating and I remember going to Cavite at god knows what time it was to get him and he was in front of your house, sprawled on the grass, drunk, and crying.”

It was _the_ fight. Jongin showed up at his film set and demanded that he go home for some _babe time_ and Kyungsoo was so, so embarrassed that a six foot tall man was pouting, stomping at a public place. There were so many things running in his head like they could be found out or people could see them and they could fabricate stories about the two of them. He brought him to the car and screamed because, _Fuck Jongin. I’m so tired. You can’t do this._ To which Jongin screamed back, _I haven’t seen you in a month and a half. I haven’t spoken to you in two months. Konting intindi naman diyan._ He asked to be excused early and the production sent him home despite the six remaining scenes they still had to do. He apologized profusely for his unprofessionalism and for his friend’s behaviour. He didn’t go home to the dorm that night. He went home to his mom, in Cavite. Jongin begged and cried but Kyungsoo only remembers fuming with anger because he could’ve tainted actor Kyungsoo’s reputation. He was spitting nonsense and Jongin was taking it all in with nothing but tears. In the end, he spat out the most hurtful words he could mutter, _Hindi kita boyfriend. Umuwi ka na._

“That was my first impression of you, kuya.” Jennie says quietly, offering him a sad smile. “You were the person who broke my friend’s heart. I was cheated on but I wasn’t broken like that but Jongin… Jongin stripped down his dignity at this point. I took him home, not to your dorm, but to here. I read a text on his phone from kuya Chanyeol, sabi niya Jongin has to come home prim and proper because their families were coming over for something I don’t remember. So I took him here. I called kuya Chanyeol and told him what happened. He came over so he could wash kuya Jongin. He brought clothes, he got him dressed. Kuya Baekhyun followed with food. Jongin woke up a couple of hours later na sobrang walang emotion. Parang di niya maalala yung nangyari. Papagalitan pa siya na siya ni kuya Baekhyun pero nung nakita niya na tulala talaga, inuwi na lang nila. The next morning, I found him here again. And the morning after that. And the days after. I asked him why kasi palagi na lang siyang sinusundo dito, sabi niya kasi sa dorm, palagi ka niyang naalala.”

Kyungsoo came home one day with the intention of making it up to Jongin. He took a day off from filming to talk to him and to apologize but Jongin didn’t come home that day and nobody knew where he was. Chanyeol and Baekhyun were at Viva Polo helping out Chanyeol’s mom because they were understaffed. He waited until the wee hours of the morning and until he had to go back to work but Jongin didn’t come home.

“One day, nagkwento na lang siya about you. Your story. How you were his first love. He said he wonders if you’ll be his _only_ love kasi masyadon intense yung nararamdaman niya. Masyadong ka niyang mahal, sabi niya. He said you guys were a dream until you became an actor. He said he was stuck between not wanting to love anybody else and wanting to forget you. He said that he started moving back your things from his room to yours. Slowly but surely, sabi niya. I just felt like—when I look at him—he doesn’t deserve any more heartbreak. I know I’m not supposed to be the judge of that but he was so, sad kuya. You have to understand that his heart wasn’t just broken. Siya mismo.”

“I know, Jennie. I know.”

Jennie pauses to look at him as if to assess if he _really_ knows because what she had to go through with Jongin was no joke.

“When he asked me to be his girlfriend, he didn’t ask me explicitly. We both know that we’re getting over people and _I knew_ that it would take more than a few months for him to get over you. But our industry is weird and suffocating and you need at least _one_ person to be with you to keep you sane. He asked me if I wanted to be together so we both don’t have to be alone. I didn’t understand, at first. He shouldn’t make me a rebound and vice versa but the heartbreaks, the exhaustion, the stress, you know it’s going to break you kung wala kang kasama.”

“But he had the boys…” Kyungsoo muttered to himself but Jennie shook her head.

“ _You_ had the boys and Jongin knew too that’s why he asked me because I was his friend. The boys were family and you know how family works, sasabihin walang kinakampihan pero meron naman. He knew that _you had the boys_ and he had no one. I agreed to his proposal after a few drinks with Hanbin and Jiwon. We started to date but there wasn’t any change. He didn’t take me out on dates nor did we start being all clingy and mushy. We were still the same friends who just, kind of, sort of dated. Kaya when your company offered to release the news about us, we were both chill about it because it wasn’t like we were at a honeymoon phase na gusto namin between us lang. We both kind of went, _sige. Whatever floats your boat._ ”

“You agreed, just like that?”

She nodded, pointing to the blanket nearer to Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo takes the blanket and hands it to her. She quietly wraps the duvet around her as Kyungsoo lets the information sink in.

“He didn’t want the boys to tell you because he wanted to be fair and say it himself. Kahit di naman talaga naging ganun yung ending. He didn’t agree to hurt you. For the most part, Jongin just uses his mouth and not his brain. Kaya nga he always breaks down drunk pag ikaw ang kasama kasi doon nya lang nasasabi yung gusto niya. Sabi niya kasi wala na daw siyang maramdaman. He’s just numb and pushing through every day kasi wala naman siyang choice kundi makita ka. Alam mo ba na when you got hospitalized, Jongin was so frantic and he was crying on the phone because dehydration kills people, as you know by now, and I was the one who drove him to the hospital.”

“Okay lang ‘yun sayo?”

“I like Jongin, kuya.” Jennie wraps the duvet tighter. “I know he kind of likes me too but he _loves_ you. I can’t compete with that. I went in this relationship knowing that we were in it for the companionship. It stung a little when he was practically yelling for me to drive faster pero hindi ko rin naman siya pwedeng madaliin na kalimutan ka. He tried to breakup with me that night because _maybe_ he could work things out with you pero narealize niya rin na hindi na tama.”

“Why didn’t _you_ breakup with him?”

“He asked me not to. He said that in the beginning of the relationship. He can’t have another person leaving him and that if I was ever tired of him, I should just tell him so he can be the one who leaves. I thought it was selfish but I also kind of get it. You didn’t walk away from him, you just kind of disappeared. I guess he doesn’t want a repeat of that.”

When Kyungsoo reaches for the tea, the cup has gone cold. He wonders of the many stories that Jongin shared to Jennie about him. He wonders of the days and the nights that Jongin had to wait for him and Jennie was right there with him. He thinks that Jongin has a heart of gold and he didn’t deserve what Kyungsoo did.

“I’m leaving in a week or next, next. I’ll have to check but I’m leaving soon for work.” Kyungsoo reaches for her duvet to give it a squeeze. He isn’t sure if he and Jennie are on a skin-to-skin comfort level yet so he settles for the duvet. “I came here to apologize for how I treated you kahit indirectly. I’m sorry for making you feel out of place. I didn’t know you played a big part in saving Jongin. I mean even if I knew earlier, I shouldn’t have treated you like that. The rest of the boys kind of just follow what I do and I’m sorry for that too.”

“You don’t have to be.” Jennie assures him. “I’ve known him for a year. I’ve been with him for only five. Ano bang laban ko sa seven years?”

“Wala naman sa tagal ‘yun. I think you’ve done more than I did and I just want to say thank you—for being there for him, for being his friend, and just for loving Jongin in ways that I couldn’t.”

It’s when Jennie reaches for his hand and intertwines their fingers together that Kyungsoo feels like crying. There were so many things that went wrong with him and Jongin, both in the relationship and within their selves. He was so lucky to have the boys but Jongin spent most days alone. There were so many things left unsaid and Kyungsoo doesn’t know if he deserves to be forgiven after everything.

“I think that even if Jongin and I breakup, I’ll always be his friend.” Jennie says, rubbing circles with her thumb on his skin.

“I wish I could say the same. He can’t even look me in the eye these days.”

“Nakaya mo nga akong kausapin, kaya mo rin si Jongin. Ikaw pa ba? You know him like the back of your hand. You let me know if he gives you a hard time. I’ll whack him when I see him.”

They ended up finishing the rest One Day at a Time’s episode before Kyungsoo goes home. He gives her a hug—a tight squeeze—and Jennie walks him out with her duvet wrapped around her again. Kyungsoo finally tells her to not let the fabric get dragged on the ground and she chuckles, nods, and says, _Thank you Kuya. I appreciate it._ Kyungsoo drives away, the same dark alley that isn’t scaring him anymore. He feels a little lighter and fresher. He doesn’t feel the need to shave all of his head off anymore. When he pulls over their garage, he greets their guard with a much livelier, much happier— _Hi kuya!_ Before jogging back up to his dorm. Jongin is in the living room with a bucket of popcorn and some beer on the table. Sehun is asleep on one couch and Minseok on the other.

“How did your talk go?” Jongin asks. For a moment, Kyungsoo thinks he might be in trouble but there’s a small smile on Jongin’s lips, a small teasing one, as he shoves a mouthful of popcorn in his mouth.

“Nasa baba lang kaya ako.”

“Liar. Jennie texted me the moment she saw you outside their gate from their CCTV.” He smiles, a gentle and genuine one. “So, how did it go?”

“We watched One Day at a Time.” Kyungsoo locks the door and kicks off his shoes. He sits on the arm rest of the couch where Minseok is sleeping. “Then we talked. Well, _she_ talked. I just kind of listened.”

“And…?”

“And…” _Pause._ “I know Sehun’s fake sleeping so do you want to go to my room and talk?”

“No crying.” Sehun sits up and points at the two of them. “I’m over the two of you na iyak ng iyak. Please lang. Naubos na towel at tissue dito. Next week pa maglalaba si Ate Bing.”

“No crying.” Jongin repeats.

“Promise.” Kyungsoo gestures to his room and he walks out with Jongin trailing behind him. When he arrives at his and Junmyeon’s room, he plops on his bed and points to the empty one in front of him. Jongin closes the door and places himself on Junmyeon’s bed, legs immediately going in an Indian position. “So?”

“You’re leaving soon.” Jongin starts. “For a year and a half. Baka makalimutan na namin yung mukha mo pag di ka umuwi-uwi.”

“Don’t be as dramatic as kuya Junmyeon. Uuwi naman ako. The movie’s just a really good opportunity.”

“I know.” He looks at Kyungsoo with his signature bear-smile. “I’m proud of you.”

Kyungsoo nods in acknowledgment. A sigh. _Here goes nothing._

“Jongin, I’m sorry for everything. I really am. I just—akala ko kasi palagi kang andyan and andyan ka naman talaga pero di ko kasi naisip kung gaano ka-selfish na career muna bago ikaw and—“

“I know that I’m not—“

“Mamaya ka na! Ako muna! Baka makalimutan ko yung sasabihin ko.” Kyungsoo waves him off and Jongin raises both of his hands in defense. “I know that you understand my work because we’re have the same job but I guess I got lost into it and then eventually, I got tired to be what you need. But that isn’t your fault. We both have faults but this one, _isn’t_ yours. This is all on me. You reached out and ran an extra mile for me with a level of courage I didn’t know you have pero binalewala ‘ko yun and I’m sorry. I get it kung bakit andyan si Jennie ngayon. I’m not mad anymore and I don’t think I had the reason to be in the first place. She saved you from… _from me._ ”

Jongin feels his heart clench but he remembers the promise they made to Sehun so instead he nods, looks down, and calms his breathing.

“I didn’t mean to break—destroy you, Jong.” Kyungsoo covers his eyes in panic. “Tangina, lagot tayo kay Sehun. Teka, kakalma lang ako. Okay? Wait. Game. Kyungsoo, hinga. Okay, game, game. So, ayun. I didn’t mean to break your heart like that. I wasn’t thinking and I’m sorry. You don’t deserve that. A part of my decision to take the movie in the States was to give us the space that we both need. Before we were _this,_ we’re EXO members and I need to at least save that. Aayusin ko muna ‘yung sarili ko sa malayo, ha? Para pag balik ko, kung ano man ‘yung  naghihintay sakin, pwede ko nang harapin ng maayos.”

“Okay ka na? Ako naman?” Jongin asks and Kyungsoo slowly nods at him, the tears pooling in his eyes were gone now but the sadness remains. “Jennie is my best friend. Hindi ko alam kung napansin mo pero nawalan ako ng kaibigan dito simula nung nagulo tayo. Never nilang aaminin ‘yun. Sasabihin nila fair sila sa atin pero alam naman ng universe na hindi. Hindi ko rin sila masisisi. Ang pangit nga naman tingnan na biglang may third party pero you can ask kuya Chanyeol and kuya Baekhyun, they know na magkaibigan muna kami ni Jennie bago ang lahat. I’m sorry for making you think na ang bilis mong palitan or na pwede kang palitan but I don’t think there could be anyone other than you. As a friend. As a boyfriend. No one can replace you.”

“Nag promise tayo kay Sehun pero nagpapaiyak ka.” Kyungsoo groans, wiping his eyes before they hit his cheeks.

“Bakit? Nag reklamo ba ko nung ikaw nagpapaiyak?” Jongin retorts, laughing at the flushed Kyungsoo in front of him. “Tatapusin ko na ‘to para di na tayo umiyak. Sige na. Game, so. Jennie was there and a part of me knows that I can’t lose Jennie. Not in the way that I lost you and I know that she understands that. She’s great, Kyungja. She’s lovely, she’s smart, she’s amazing… but she isn’t you. I used to get mad at myself for comparing her to you. You couldn’t be more different from each other, I promise but naisip ko, no one will _ever_ be you. Come what may, you will always be _my_ Kyungsoo. I have to get past that.”

“You’re getting past that already.” Kyungsoo says, showing him a small thumbs up. “You’re doing a great job.”

“I know.” He nods in agreement. “I’m fixing myself with the help of Jennie. It’s unfair but I really don’t know how to be by myself. I know that one day, I’ll have to do this alone and Jennie knows this too but she’ll always be there so I don’t have to be scared when that happens so as much as I want you to stay and not do the movie because, _ang tagal ng 18 months ha_ , I know you have to.”

Kyungsoo stands and walks up to Jongin, opening his arms for the younger boy to fall into. Jongin drops his head on Kyungsoo’s chest, his arms wrapping around Kyungsoo’s waist. They stay in each other’s arms for quite a few minutes before Kyungsoo says,

“Wag mo ‘kong ihahatid ha. Dito ka na lang. Paguwi ko, pag natapos na ‘yung shoot, saka na lang ulit tayo magkita.”

He doesn’t except Jongin to agree so he’s a bit surprised when he feels him nodding against his chest. With another squeeze, Jongin leans away to look at him.

“You do what you need to do to fix yourself.” Jongin smiles, tears drying on his cheeks. “I’ll be here when you come back.”

“I sure hope so but you don’t have to wait, ha?” _Pause._ “I know you’re going to be the great person that I know you could be. Take the time and space to find him.”

Jongin stands up to place his arms on Kyungsoo’s shoulders. This time, it’s Kyungsoo’s arms that wrap around his waist.

“Wherever the wind takes you and Jennie, I won’t take it against you. As long as you’re happy.”

“You’re the love of my life.” Jongin whispers. “I hope you’re okay with that. I’m not putting the pressure on you. I’m just saying thank you. Thank you for being the love of my life.”

He feels a kiss on his forehead and Kyungsoo relaxes. He thinks of how underrated forehead kisses are because _wow,_ it was all it took for him to be breathe properly and to be somewhat okay again. The door swings open with a very concerned Sehun. He looks puzzled at the sight and then the baffling look turns into a smile.

“Akala ko nagpatayan na kayo. Masyadong tahimik eh.”

When Minseok leaves for the military a week later, the rest of EXO were in his assigned place to drop him off. _Strictly no tears,_ he said. He promises to take them out on his first vacation day. They all wait for newly enlisted soldiers to sing the national anthem and for the leaders to recite some instructions before they left, waving one last goodbye to Minseok.

“Oh my god. He’s so small. Paano siya magsusurvive?” Chanyeol cries as soon as they enter the van.

“I’m pretty sure kaya ka niyang sakalin kung narinig niya yang comment mo.” Baekhyun laughs, snuggling up to his boyfriend to calm him down.

Junmyeon ends up taking them out for sushi _to make them feel better_ and they all head back to the dorm to play one round of Overwatch. They tuck themselves early and Chanyeol sleeps in Minseok’s bed for the night and for the next few nights until Baekhyun tells him that he misses him.

Another week later and Kyungsoo doesn’t let them bring him to the airport. Sehun is throwing a fit, marching in the van despite Kyungsoo’s protests. There was no way in hell that he isn’t getting dropped off. Kyungsoo argues that he’ll be back before Minseok and that it wasn’t a big deal because he might even be home for Christmas but he doesn’t win this argument. Not this time. Junmyeon orders them to go to the van and Kyungsoo sulks all the way from the front door to the van because now his departure is sadder than it should be.

“Only Jongin kept his promise.” Kyungsoo grumbles. “Sabi ko wag nyo na ko ihatid tas iiyak iyak nanaman si Chanyeol.”

“Feeling mo iiyakan kita?” Chanyeol pipes up, rolling his eyes when they catch each other through the rear view mirror.

“Technically, sabi mo wag kang ihatid pero wala kang sinabi na bawal tayo magkita dito.” It’s Jongin who hands him the luggage cart and Kyungsoo just wants to scream at everyone because now he wants to cry. He shouldn’t be crying because this is _just_ work. He’s been gone longer and even though, this time, they won’t be able to visit him whenever they want to, they still shouldn’t be crying about it. Chanyeol’s the one who fixes his luggage one suitcase on top of the other and Jongin is the one who pushes it to check in. Bakehyun and Sehun’s arms are linked with his on both sides and Jongdae and Junmyeon are the ones checking him and his suitcases in.

“This is more dramatic than kuya Minseok.” He says when he sees his friends all silently crying. “Lagi ba tayong ganito? Tuwing may aalis o mag e-enlist, iyakan?”

“I raised humans with feelings, Kyungja.” Junmyeon argues, pulling him into a hug. “I’m going to miss you. I’ll visit you when I can.”

“Dapat lang para may mapaglagyan ka naman ng cash mo.”

“I’ll visit with Kuya Junmyeon.” Sehun promises, peppering his favourite kuya with kisses on his face which makes Kyungsoo laugh.

“I love you, Kyungja.” Jongdae ruffles his hair when it was his turn. “So much.”

“Yeah? I love you too, Dae. Maghanap ka na ng jowa para hindi ka na third wheel kina Baek.”

“Sus, ang saya nya ngang third wheel, lagi siyang libre.” Baekhyun jokes, squeezing himself between Jongdae and Kyungsoo to get his turn. “Wag kang magpapaloko sa mga puti don ha.”

“Di ko naman type mga puti.” He kisses Baekhyun’s cheeks. “Wag kayong magbebreak ni Chanyeol ha. Siguradong mas madrama pa kayo samin.”

“Asa ka. Paguwi mo, bago tayo mag enlist, papakasalan ko na ‘yan.” Chanyeol grins, earning a playful punch from Baekhyun. He takes his hug from Kyungsoo, kissing the top of his head in fondness. “I’m going to miss you.”

“Me too. Visit me when you’re not busy ha? Bring Jongdae. Hanggang walang jowa ‘yan, anak nyo yan at ikaw—“ He removes himself from Chanyeol and faces Jongin who was (surprisingly) carrying his hand carry for him. “Ingatan mo ‘yang sarili mo. Malaki ka na. Halika nga dito.”

Jongin grabs him and Kyungsoo utters an _oomph_ when his face hits Jongin’s shoulders.

“Magiingat ka don ha?” Jongin whispers. “Uuwi ka ha. I’ll see you soon.”

“Tell Jennie I said thank you for the other week, okay? Take Care. I’m going to miss you.”

Jongin sighs and it’s only Kyungsoo who hears. He presses a kiss on the older’s ear.

“Alis na nga ako.” He struggles but he manages to detach himself from Jongin. “Baka lalong di ako makaalis dahil sa inyong lahat eh. Magiingat kayo ha. Wag tatanga-tanga. Love ko kayo. Tetext ako kapag andun na ‘ko. Matuto kayong mag bukas ng group chat.”

Turns out, eighteen months _do_ fly by like it’s nothing because before Kyungsoo knows it, he’s taken three vacations back home and he’s promoting for his first Hollywood movie. The entire EXO flies in to support him and he feels so, so loved. It feels like nothing has changed but at the same time, nothing is the same. The rest of the boys kept their promise and often visited him whether on set or in his hotel. At some point, Sehun seemed like he had no plans to leave until Kyungsoo bought him his plane ticket. Things were changing and Kyungsoo is thankful that at least the boys were changing with him. He extends his stay in the States for a couple more months to discuss new projects, a modelling contract, and two more films. By the time he goes back home, Minseok has been discharged from the military, looking rounder and more like a dumpling which makes Kyungsoo shriek in excitement because _Kuya!!!!! Sobrang cute mo!!!!!_ And Minseok has to fight off the urge to put him in a headlock until he’s knocked out. The reunion doesn’t last very long because on the same day, Kyungsoo is asked to do a screen test and he doesn’t go home until a day later.

The moment he enters the door, sleepless and exhausted, Chanyeol is dragging him to his room.

“Get changed. Something decent.” He demands. He’s rummaging through Kyungsoo’s suitcase to find a clean, okay-smelling dress shirt. “Fast. Andun na sila.”

“Saan?” Kyungsoo asks, confused. “I’m confused. Kakauwi ko lang. Wala pa kong tulog.”

“You and I both, buddy. But you don’t see me complaining.” Chanyeol snaps, throwing a pair of slack to his direction. “Sorry, sorry. Sige na. Bawal akong malate. Bilisan mo na. Ako pa nagintay sayo dito.”

He does as he’s told because it seems like Chanyeol was going to pass out anytime soon. He doesn’t exit the room when Kyungsoo strips down his clothes nor does he pay attention. He’s just pacing back and forth and as soon as he sees Kyungsoo dressed, he drags him to his own car and drives away.

“I can’t believe I had to wait for you.” Chanyeol says, driving above the allowed speed. “Check mo nga lisensya ko kung nasa compartment.”

“Saan ba tayo pupunta—oh, here it is.” He takes Chanyeol’s wallet from the small space between them and slides the card in.

“What do you mean? Baek and I are registering our marriage today.” Chanyeol glares at him. “Nasa group chat mga two days ago.”

“I was on the plane two days ago and I was at work yesterday.”

“Okay but—okay, look. It was a spur of the moment thing. We just thought to register it and just have the official ceremony when we get discharged.”

“Fuck.” Kyungsoo says in amazement. “You guys are amazing.”

“And you’re late. I can’t believe I’m not there yet.”

“And you won’t be if we get pulled over. Drive slower.” Kyungsoo taps his shoulder to calm him down. It works. Kind of. “Spur of the moment? Who even proposed? How did this come about?”

“So, like, Baekhyun proposed and I was going to pero inunahan ako. The same day we just thought of registering the marriage and we asked kuya Junmyeon if we could but he said kuya Minseok will get mad if we don’t wait for him and you’ll probably throw a fit if you miss out on something like this so we waited—“

“You waited two days!”

“—two days and so yeah, we just need witnesses. Kuya Yixing went straight to the court house from the airport. As in need lang ng witness plus alam ko gusto nyong pictures tas ayun. Mag eenlist na tayo in like 5 months so might as well be married bago pa siya maagaw ng iba tapos cerem—“

“Chanyeol, huminga ka nga.” Kyungsoo cuts him off and laughs. “We’re almost there. Just breathe. I’m sure ayaw ni Baekhyun mamatayan ng aasawahin.”

“Listen,” Chanyeol huffs. “I wouldn’t be so agitated if you came earlier.”

“Oh, hush. I can’t believe ikakasal ka na. Andun na ba sila tita?” Kyungsoo asks. The question is left hanging in the air because as soon as they arrive, Chanyeol almost jumps off of the moving car. Kyungsoo apologizes profusely to the valet driver before sprinting to catch up to Chanyeol. They stop in front of two doors that had a sign with the word _PRIVATE_ written in red. “Ready?”

“As I’ll ever be.” Kyungsoo opens the door for him and their members, both Chanyeol and Baekhyun’s families are waiting for them. Baekhyun is talking to the presider and he freezes when he sees Chanyeol. He breaks into a smile when Chanyeol starts walking towards him. _Pag-ibig nga naman,_ Kyungsoo thinks when he closes the door behind him.

“Late na ba si Chanyeol?” Kyungsoo asks Jongdae. He sits at the last row next to Jongdae. “Kala ko papatayin niya na ko sa kotse.”

“Hindi pa pero muntik na din kabahan si Baekhyun kasi bakit ba daw ang tagal ninyo.”

“Wala naman nag sabi sakin na may ganito—oh, hi kuya Yixing!” He reaches for the person next to Jongdae. “Kiss kita mamaya.”

“Kumpleto na ba?” The presider asks. “Pwede nap o tayong magsimula kung kumple—“

“SORRY!” The door flies open with Jongin panting and sweaty. There’s a security guard behind him with a door lock who waves at the presider. The door locks again from the outside. Jongin is bent down with his hands on his thighs, trying to catch his breath. “Sobrang traffic galing sa East. I swear. Game ready na. Teka, hihinga lang ako.”

Kyungsoo can’t find a more fitting word than _adorable_ when he looks at Jongin. He’s in a dark blue polo shirt, tucked in his black slacks with his favourite watch on his left hand and a bunch of flowers gripped on his other hand. His hair is slicked back with some strands left to hang on his forehead. He cleaned up well but he still looks absolutely adorable as he tries to find a steady thing to lean on.

“Kuyas, flowers.” Jongin jogs to the front. He hands both Chanyeol and Baekhyun flowers and kisses them both on the cheeks. The annoyance from his sudden arrival all gone now. “Pwede na kayo mag start.” He jokes, walking to the back to avoid any more weird looks. He stops when he sees Kyungsoo—not even Kyungsoo looking at him, holding back his laughter, just Kyungsoo. He looks every bit of tired, having no makeup on his face but he still looks handsome. The front of his dress shirt tucked in and the back hanging loosely. Jongdae is slowly tucking in the back part and Kyungsoo makes no move to stop him. He’s just looking at Jongin—in all his sweaty glory—with a stupid grin on his face like he’s just seen him for the first time in his life.

“Hi.” Jongin stands next to him and Yixing moves to another chair, then Jongdae, then Kyungsoo so he could have a seat. “You’re back.”

“I am. Yesterday but I had to work tapos Chanyeol dragged me to here—Hi kuya Minseok!” He sees Minseok giving him a weird smile on the other side. He waves and then rolled his eyes. “So here I am. I mean, here we are, watching our best friends get married.”

“Yeah.” Jongin looks in front where the presider is still looking for some papers. _Start, my ass._ “You look good. Older. Manlier.”

“Wow. Napaka landi naman. Kayo na ba ang susunod dito? May pila ba?” Jongdae butts in, shaking his head at the two of them. “Mamaya na kayo mag catch up. Magsisimula na.”

“Di ko kaya siya nilalandi baka may girlfriend ‘yan eh.” Kyungsoo jokes, widening his eyes at Jongin. Although he’s heard from Baekhyun that Jongin’s been single for a while, he needs the confirmation from the man’s mouth.

“Girlfriend? Boyfriend? Ang lungkot nga kasi wala ako nun eh.” An equally cheeky Jongin beams.

“Ako din wala pero shine-share ko ba?” Jongdae sighs dramatically. “Shut up so Sehun can start.”

Sehun starts playing guitar on the side and a familiar tune of Elvis Presley’s _Can’t Help Falling In Love_ arranged in what seemed like a tempo that will go on forever starts to play. Junmyeon starts to sing and the presider begins the ceremony. From the outside, everything seems so simple. There were no attempts to put decorations in the place but they were complete and they were all so happy to witness a love come together. All the boys were in crumpled polos and dress shirts. Perhaps Baekhyun and Chanyeol sprung this upon them like Chanyeol did to Kyungsoo. Their parent are crying and their siblings are taking photos. The room feels more intimate and the atmosphere more solemn. Kyungsoo feels a burst of excitement in his chest. They were nearing a decade as EXO and the two soon-to-be married couple were nearing their ninth year. He thinks of the many things they’ve went through to get to where they are now, Kyungsoo was among the witnesses of how strong their love was.

Jongin bumps his hip against him breaking him away from his thoughts.

“Sabihan mo ko pag iiyak ka para ma-picture-an ko.” He teases.

“You wish.” Kyungsoo makes a face and watches two of his best friends slide their rings in each other’s fingers.

If things went okay, would they be in the same position now? Would he and Jongin be married too? Maybe. No one will ever know. A part of him knows that things are better this way. He was a different person now and so much has changed. Jongin probably has too. They don’t talk for the rest of the ceremony because the two of them started crying before they could tease each other. When the presider announces Chanyeol and Baekhyun as husbands, they all shameless cry harder while clapping harder.

“Oh my god, parang tanga.” Kyungsoo says to himself as he sobs. Jongin takes one look at him and chuckles, throwing his arm around Kyungsoo and pulling him to his shoulder. Kyungsoo nuzzles his face into his neck— _force of habit,_ he thinks—and stays there for a solid thirty seconds before Jongdae makes a weird noise behind them.

“Picture na daw! Ano ba kayong dalawa.” He pushes the two of them out of the way and Yixing taps both of their butts as he follows Jongdae. Kyungsoo straighten himself, wiping his tears. Jongin thinks he’s the most beautiful he’s ever been. “PICTURE NA DAW JONGIN, KYUNGSOO!”

“Oo nga! Sandali lang. Nagpupunas pa ng uhog si Kyungsoo.”

“Kapal ng mukha mo. Mas mapula ka sakin.” Kyungsoo retorts, handing him a tissue as well.

Jongin shakes his head. He doesn’t take the tissue. He takes his hand instead. Kyungsoo freezes in his spot in surprise but Jongin tugs him to move before Jongdae shouts at them again. With intertwined fingers, they walk in front to commemorate Chanyeol and Baekhyun. Kyungsoo thinks that it should be weird. They haven’t seen each other in a while and yet he was so, _so_ comfortable holding his hand. When they stop to their places, Jongin doesn’t let go. Neither does he. They share a glance, knowing smiles on their faces—no more sadness, no more fear, no more pain. Kyungsoo squeezes his hand and Jongin squeezes back.

“Isa pa! Wacky naman.” Chanyeol’s cousin, the one taking the photo, says.

Kyungsoo stands up properly and Jongin removes their hands to wrap his arms around his waist. He leanes comfortably against the younger, his mouth nearly pressed against his ear.

“Wacky daw. Hindi prom.” Minseok tells them, laughing when he sees their position. “Joke lang. Wacky na ‘yan. Funny kayong dalawa.”

Kyungsoo sticks his tongue out at his older brother before making himself comfortable against Jongin. The latter presses a kiss to his ear. There’s so much to talk about and so much to catch up. So much to clear up and so much to discuss but this, right in this moment—even without talking they both know, _this is right._

“Love mo pa ba ‘ko?” Jongin asks.

“Pagiisipan ko.”

“GRA—“ _CLICK! CLICK! CLICK!_

It was a photo to remember. The wackiest of the wackiest. Kyungsoo uses it as their engagement announcement photo two years later—Jongin’s arm on his waist with a surprised, almost whining look on his face. Kyungsoo’s grinning, the happiest he’s ever been.

He wouldn’t have it any other way.

 

_fin._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINALLY THE LAST CHAPTER IS IN! :-)
> 
> 1\. Send me your favorite line, quote, scene at @__jonginnie (yes two underscores). Kwentuhan ninyo ako since last naman na! 
> 
> 2\. Don't forget to comment and kudos. Your feels, thoughts, and suggestions are received and appreciated.
> 
> 3\. Enjoy!

**Author's Note:**

> Para sa mga lumandi... at nagpalandi.
> 
> HI I HAVEN'T WRITTEN IN A YEAR???? SO I'M SUUUUUUUUUUPER RUSTY! This is a product of @FEARLESSBOBOHUN's prompt but also just everything that happened today. Today was a good day but also a weird, sad day. Does that make sense? Anyway, let me know what you think! Comment or something.
> 
> Also say hi to my twitter --> @__jonginnie ((that's two underscores))


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